Comments on: Helping a Friend Get Help https://cruciallearning.com/blog/helping-a-friend-get-help/ VitalSmarts is now Crucial Learning Wed, 03 Jul 2013 16:25:29 +0000 hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=6.5.2 By: Barbara Ramp https://cruciallearning.com/blog/helping-a-friend-get-help/#comment-3030 Wed, 03 Jul 2013 16:25:29 +0000 http://www.crucialskills.com/?p=1293#comment-3030 It seems to me that this is very close to the kind of language you would use when a friend has an addiction or is making what you see as really bad choices. We have a family friend who is in that space between high school and what do I do next. He sometimes drinks and drives and probably uses recreational drugs a bit too much. He has moved into selling. He doesn’t need money it’s just more risk taking behaviour. I’ve had a few very careful conversations with him and then backed off. I’m excited because the words I used are almost exactly the same as you used. It isn’t working though … so is there a next place that the conversation can go?

]]> By: Susan M https://cruciallearning.com/blog/helping-a-friend-get-help/#comment-3029 Wed, 03 Jul 2013 15:35:20 +0000 http://www.crucialskills.com/?p=1293#comment-3029 Joseph, I, like Vernon, was immediately curious about what happened with this serviceman. Have you received any feedback?

Also, I want you to know that I posted your letter on our company’s employee website. I’m a member of the Wellness Committee and decided this was a great letter to share the day before Independence Day. Hopefully, someone who’s experiencing the same situation as PTSD & Me will benefit from your wonderful advice.

Susan

]]> By: Joe Schmid https://cruciallearning.com/blog/helping-a-friend-get-help/#comment-3028 Wed, 03 Jul 2013 14:46:15 +0000 http://www.crucialskills.com/?p=1293#comment-3028 I delayed 10+ years seeking treatment from the VA “because other veterans are more seriously injured than I am.” Several of my friends pointed out that the traumatic injury vets and I would not be seeking help from the same clinic. Therefore, I would not be in front of a more seriously injured vet and it is OK for me to seek treatment for my injuries.

]]> By: Vernon Nash https://cruciallearning.com/blog/helping-a-friend-get-help/#comment-3027 Wed, 03 Jul 2013 13:42:44 +0000 http://www.crucialskills.com/?p=1293#comment-3027 Joseph, I would be really interested to know what feedback you receievd in the two years since the original email was published from PTSD & Me about your/your Dad’s suggestions and the healing of his Vet friend.
Many thanks
Vernon

]]> By: Linda C. https://cruciallearning.com/blog/helping-a-friend-get-help/#comment-3025 Fri, 06 May 2011 22:48:12 +0000 http://www.crucialskills.com/?p=1293#comment-3025 An excellent book, focused towards bi-polar and other behavioral health issues is “I’m Not Sick and I Don’t Need help”. This book was a saving grace when my adult son was diagnosed and going through a ver rough time. Through this book helping me to understand how to communicate with him, and by the grace of God he is doing so well now that to outsiders there is no problem at all. I know PTSD is a different disorder, but perhaps this book and guidance would help. I dearly hope so. God bless those effected and their caregivers and loved ones.

]]> By: Stephen Pellegrino https://cruciallearning.com/blog/helping-a-friend-get-help/#comment-3024 Wed, 04 May 2011 18:23:29 +0000 http://www.crucialskills.com/?p=1293#comment-3024 Lou Tice and the Pacific Institute have developed a PTSD training called “discovering the power in me” http://www.thepacificinstitute.us/v2/files/pdfs/BRO-DPM.pdf
I’ve facilitated the capstone curriculum (IIE) but not this. This is not marketed specifically for PTSD (perhaps for legal reasons) but I think it would help regardless.
Stephen

]]> By: Joseph Grenny https://cruciallearning.com/blog/helping-a-friend-get-help/#comment-3023 Wed, 04 May 2011 17:23:57 +0000 http://www.crucialskills.com/?p=1293#comment-3023 Thanks for the question John. I looked back over my posting and if I read it right, the word “but” appears twice in my recommended statements to the vet. The other appearances are in the text itself. My view is that it’s very wise to avoid use of “but” when it serves to negate the meaning someone else is sharing. Other than that, it’s a perfectly useful word. I like the trainer’s term “but slap” because I think it emphasizes this caution well. If you tell me, “People with PTSD have nightmares. I don’t have nightmares” and I begin my response with, “But you do overreact to loud noises!” I’ve essentially turned a dialogue into a debate. And there was no need to do so. Responding instead with, “I’m glad to hear that. That fact does raise doubt on whether or not you have PTSD” as your initial response helps get you out of the “but slap” trap. You point out what you agree with, then add additional meaning, without positioning is as contradicting that which the other shared when it’s unnecessary to do so. Does that make sense?

As I look at my two uses of “but” in the recommended statements I don’t think they appear to contradict a hypothetical statement from the vet. Do you? If so, then I would definitely change them!

Great point!

]]> By: John Jackson https://cruciallearning.com/blog/helping-a-friend-get-help/#comment-3026 Wed, 04 May 2011 16:53:18 +0000 http://www.crucialskills.com/?p=1293#comment-3026 Great job! Love the article.

]]> By: John Nolan https://cruciallearning.com/blog/helping-a-friend-get-help/#comment-3022 Wed, 04 May 2011 16:52:00 +0000 http://www.crucialskills.com/?p=1293#comment-3022 Hello Joseph, As a result of attending a two day CC training in Chicago several years ago I have, on many occasions, recommended your book and website both professionally as EAP counselor at a large hopsital and personally to friends and loved ones.

In Chicago the trainer strongly discouraged our using the word “but” (I believed he called it a “but slap”) because using that word essentially negates whatever words preceded it. He recommended using “and” instead. So I am surprised to see it occasionally in the Crucial Skills newsletters and it appeared over five times in your excellent response regarding PTSD. So I am wondering if I missed something at the training. Can you shed any light on your use of the word but?

Thanks,
John

]]> By: Jeanie https://cruciallearning.com/blog/helping-a-friend-get-help/#comment-3021 Wed, 04 May 2011 16:51:58 +0000 http://www.crucialskills.com/?p=1293#comment-3021 Joseph,

Thank you for this very valuable article. It is helpful in so many ways.

Thank you first and formost for the courage to address this issue. It helps remove the stigma of mental illness from veterans suffering from PTSD and others who suffer from a variety of mental illnesses.

As the daughter of a WWII/Korean War Vet and the ex-wife of a Vietnam War vet, I gratefully thank you for your thoughtful and sensitive approach to helping someone you love seek help for PTSD.

As the mother of a mentally-ill,treatment-resistant son who is deep in denial, the dialogue example you provided is absolutely invaluable in providing the language that is influencing rather than controlling.

I attend Family to Family class offered by our local National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI). The http://www.nami.com website also has some helpful suggestions for people dealing with PTSD.

Many in our class have family that suffer from PTSD and other mental illnesses. We continually search for ways to communicate our love and concern to family members in a way that is respectful and sensitive and ultimately effective. I will share this helpful article with them.

Lastly, many thanks to Ange Finn for her recommendation to try “tapping.” I, too, have PTSD and have found this treatment extremely effective. I also highly recommend EMDR, hypnosis and acupuncture.

]]>