Comments on: How to Decline A Friend’s Invitation

By: Jennifer

Jennifer — Mon, 22 May 2017 22:58:25 +0000

Mum never forgave her bestie’s husband for his behavior toward his wife–never physically harmful but often emotionally abusive. In this case, though, the bestie cottoned on to the mutual dislike. The two ladies made their own good times for years by going to plays and visiting with just each other, sans men. Mum treasures those memories now. I hope your writer finds other ways to spend time with her friend that don’t involve the offensive husband.

By: Mark Ehlers

Mark Ehlers — Mon, 15 May 2017 14:52:08 +0000

The writer and her husband dislike the spouse but she doesn’t identify the offending behavior other than it’s a “chore” and “emotionally exhausting.” Perhaps the writer and her husband should step back and examine their own behavior toward the spouse to ensure that they are not contributing to the behavior, in other words, sending him to silence/violence. I’ve found throughout my life that many people are reacting not acting. If they can identify the source or cause of the offending behavior then perhaps they can work on strengthening or changing that relationship.

By: Mike K

Mike K — Fri, 12 May 2017 22:02:15 +0000

Let’s look at it another way. This very good, long-time friend is giving 34 weeks notice so the other couple can find 2 areas of common ground so that they could spend about .04% of a year together. Really, that can’t be done? And seriously, during the 4 hours out of the 8760 hours in a year, this “offensive individual” will not be talking or offending in its entirety. No, I’m not guilting anyone into doing anything. There’s enough of that going around already. However, there is great learning and growth in trying to understand the un-understood. There is new perspective gained in hearing another’s views, especially when they are so different from our own. There’s a reason why some people are difficult: ever stop to ask why? And at the end of the evening, if you didn’t learn anything, then you learned you are doing what is right for you and you can go home happy. But you may go home wiser.

By: Tonya

Tonya — Fri, 12 May 2017 03:51:11 +0000

In reply to Joan Williams. I agree with Joan. There's no reason the two of you cannot still be friends yet with an understanding that she would not need to put you in a position where you don't need to spend time with her husband.

By: Greg

Greg — Thu, 11 May 2017 13:29:48 +0000

This one seems to wander into the limited options trap VitalSmarts helps me avoid. There are better options, including saying no, talking about the WHY you’re saying no (assumption is that friend knows how much you don’t like her husband, but she may not!) and suggesting other ways to continue the friendship.

By: Lisa

Lisa — Thu, 11 May 2017 00:54:34 +0000

It’s strange that she is pressuring you so far in advance to spend Christmas together, especially since many people have multiple family obligations during the holidays. Why not say that while you appreciate the invitation, you and your husband are [insert excuse here] but that you would love to catch up with her [insert alternate option here]. No need to be hurtful. Just stress that you value her friendship and present options that work for you.

By: George Iranon

George Iranon — Wed, 10 May 2017 23:05:46 +0000

I would explain that our family is reserving this special day for spending time with just our family.

By: Scott

Scott — Wed, 10 May 2017 19:32:05 +0000

Perhaps your friend needs you to help her with her husbands social skills; you could use all your crucial skills training to help him. If that feels like too much, invite them to meet you at Midnight mass, you wont need to talk and can spend one of the best parts of the Christmas with someone you love. It would be easy to escape after by saying “Merry Christmas, it was so great to see you both, but we have to be up early so we have to run”.
Good Luck,

By: stevewillisvs

stevewillisvs — Wed, 10 May 2017 15:58:59 +0000

In reply to carol Davison. You make an interesting point Carol. Sometimes we take on the whole burden of maintaining the friendship. I think it's valuable to recognize that both people need to be involved, and that we may need to shift some of the decisions about how to move forward back to your friend. It can be good to let them know how you feel and let them decide if they want to interact with you based on mutually beneficial terms.

By: stevewillisvs

stevewillisvs — Wed, 10 May 2017 15:54:38 +0000

In reply to Lavette Miller. I like this idea, and I know that in the "thick" of the moment it's sometimes hard to see other options.