Comments on: How to Broach a Difficult Topic

By: JennyG

JennyG — Thu, 09 Mar 2017 08:01:31 +0000

In reply to Lynn. I agree. This more direct question and expression of love seems more likely to open the conversation well than to make suggestions that maybe the smoking interferes in the son's life. And after seeing the son's response, possible solutions for addressing the difficulties can be explored, if the son is ready for that. The relationship and safe assurance of unconditional love is far more important than quitting smoking, and may provide foundation for that later, but not guaranteed.

By: David Birren

David Birren — Sun, 27 Nov 2016 01:42:21 +0000

As the parent of two successful adult children, I wonder why this is such a big deal. Why pussyfoot around? Just tell the guy about your concerns in a straightforward way without judging or belittling him. Then leave it alone. No doubt he’s heard all sorts of warnings, and they haven’t had any effect. So don’t expect that your words will, either.

You could make it clear that there is no smoking in your house, but that he is welcome to visit at any time.

Don’t overwork this issue. Treat him like an adult and let him make his own choices. He will, anyway; you might as well get with the program.

By: Elaine

Elaine — Wed, 16 Nov 2016 19:21:24 +0000

In reply to Sheldon. I would also like to receive more information about Bill Miller and his work.

By: Allison

Allison — Wed, 16 Nov 2016 15:33:42 +0000

In reply to Joanne Todesco.

Yes. Most smokers want to quit. (source: http://www.cdc.gov/tobacco/data_statistics/fact_sheets/cessation/quitting/)

Maybe the parent could ask something like, “I wonder if you still enjoy smoking, or if you’d like to quit but you’re finding it very difficult?”

By: Lynn

Lynn — Wed, 16 Nov 2016 15:31:22 +0000

Asking “I was wondering how smoking interferes with (insert your son’s favorite activity or even an important role he plays, like at work, for example)?” feels manipulative, especially if there is a history of conversation around smoking. If I was on the receiving end of that question, I would think, “They really don’t like me smoking and want me to quit” and the conversation goes back to entrenched positions and defensive postures. I actually prefer the more up front approach: “We really worry about your smoking and how bad it is for your health. We love you very much and want you around as long as possible. I know me telling you this may not change anything, but I did want you to know how much we love you, and why your smoking bothers us so much. If there is anything we could do to help if you ever do decide to quit, please know we are here for you.”

I think that would be more effective. It may not change the behavior – only the smoker can do that – but at least the conversation happened and the son knows he is loved and cared for. And the REAL issue got out into the open.

By: Sheldon

Sheldon — Wed, 16 Nov 2016 14:56:21 +0000

You quoted Bill Miller and his work concerning influential questions. I would like to study the topic some more. Can you list his books or other publications?

By: Joanne Todesco

Joanne Todesco — Wed, 16 Nov 2016 14:45:10 +0000

I think the other critical point here is that smoking is a powerful addictive illness and needs to be treated as such. The decision isn’t to stop smoking; it’s to decide to get help to try and stop smoking. After that it’s a complex, multifactorial approach and may take a few tries. The nicotine addict needs science, support, and removal of enabling forces, just like an alcoholic.

By: Sue Runyon

Sue Runyon — Wed, 16 Nov 2016 14:13:51 +0000

Once in a while it would be nice to have a follow-up article on how things turned out. In this case, if all goes well, one very possible scenario is that her son may say something along the lines of, “I’ve thought about quitting…” giving her the opportunity to be a supporter.