Comments on: Dealing with Backhanded Compliments

By: Rebecca

Rebecca — Wed, 29 Oct 2014 14:12:22 +0000

In reply to Shari Narayan. Well said and great advice.

By: Shari Narayan

Shari Narayan — Tue, 28 Oct 2014 22:21:26 +0000

It totally boils down to self-esteem and self-confidence. Some of us weren’t guided with wisdom when we were young and did not learn appropriate relationship skills. I agree with the advice to take control of your own emotions. I also agree that WE decide if we allow someone else’s opinion to bother us. However, I have found there are some people in this world who will say exactly what they please regardless of others’ feelings. When I was younger I let alot of people get away with rude comments. Now, when someone says something unfitting or unkind, I understand that its about them, not me – but frankly, I’m really not “compassionate” or “curious” at all about why they might have said such a thing. I think it’s better to look them straight in the eyes and calmly say “I disagree.” That way, you have made a definite challenge to their idea – whatever it is, and you have shown them that next time, they might want to think twice before they speak to you inappropriately — because you value yourself and expect others to do the same. Someone said “we teach people how to treat us” and I agree.

By: HMH

HMH — Sat, 13 Sep 2014 18:55:54 +0000

“It must be awful to think your job is not valued.” When the recipient of this comment has not said or acted as if their job was worthless, this is clearly a lie and its intended function is to put the recipient in their place. On the other hand, if the recipient goes around moaning that they feel undervalued and such (embarrassing like I did a long time ago), then the comment could be taken as sympathetic and understanding.

Most often I have heard people utter this kind of thing when they wanted to hurt the recipient or put them in their place. Kind of like “damning with faint praise.”

By: duano792

duano792 — Fri, 12 Sep 2014 20:53:00 +0000

Wonderful advice and very timely, since I work in a situation that is very similar. Thank You!

By: Sheba

Sheba — Thu, 11 Sep 2014 06:26:07 +0000

Thank you. Very useful.

By: Sus

Sus — Wed, 10 Sep 2014 23:16:26 +0000

In reply to Joan. I also thought the submitter was a woman.

By: Martha Frankel, FNP, MFT

Martha Frankel, FNP, MFT — Wed, 10 Sep 2014 23:14:40 +0000

Steps 1 and 2 really resonate for me….step 3 “teach” not so much. I try to ask permission, eg, would you like some feedback on that? rather than offer suggestions in situations like this because the other person may already be feeling “one down” and it can be perceived as patronizing. My experience is that people who make damaging comments about my work do hurt themselves much more than they hurt me.

By: Kevin F

Kevin F — Wed, 10 Sep 2014 22:57:20 +0000

In the words of Chris Rock, “let it slide. There’s no reason to spend the next 10 years of your life in jail, because someone smudged your Pumas.” You really need to start with the confidence within you. It really is about the other person. In this case, you just trashed one of their best pieces of work. I actually interpreted their response as they were fishing for a compliment and feeling rather worthless.

Something to keep in mind as a proofreader is that there oftentimes are different styles of writing that are still acceptable. I offended one co-worker to the point that he encouraged my boss to enforce some disciplinary action (verbal warning) against me, mainly because he hadn’t requested my input; the input was definitely needed. Hopefully, going forward, he will proofread his work before he sends it out to God and everyone.

By: Michelle Adams

Michelle Adams — Wed, 10 Sep 2014 18:44:39 +0000

I have to say that I think this response was off target for the issue presented. While I do believe this is great advice for other instances, in this case I would agree with the person who submitted the question that her co-worker’s comments should be addressed. I really liked the example you gave of the person who was publicly “attacked” and how he kept his cool. Why not use that same suggestion? Have her ask her co-worker why she believes her work is not valued since she has never gotten that impression. If she calls her on it, hopefully the annoying comments will stop.

By: Leslie

Leslie — Wed, 10 Sep 2014 17:42:07 +0000

Fantastic article!