Joyce, it sounds as if you’ve done your best. Your partner has closed down, and you say you’ve shut down as well. Your current trajectory won’t get you where you want to go. I would at least consider getting professional help–maybe a marriage counselor or maybe psychological help for your husband. Perhaps a skilled third party could break through his barriers, and show him how to regain control. Kelly and Jan give great advice above–and I hope their success can help you maintain your optimism and perseverance.

Terry, my suggestion to “explore barriers, rather than advocating action” comes from the field of Motivational Interviewing. Motivational Interviewing is an approach and a set of skills that are designed to help a person find their own motivation. It emphasizes autonomy, rather than control; and ownership, rather than obedience. It seeks to help the person take charge to help himself/herself. Here is a reference you could check out: http://www.ncda.org/aws/NCDA/pt/sd/news_article/39531/_PARENT/layout_details_cc/false

You asked me for more “barrier” examples. Here is what I mean: Suppose you and your husband both know that it takes $35,000 to pay for your basic expenses. You could say, “I think you need to apply for every job that pays $35K or more.” This advocating could well elicit a negative reaction. Your husband might say, “A lot of these aren’t what I’m interested or trained to do.” Then you end up arguing one side, while your husband argues the other side.

It often works better to say something like, “There are a lot of jobs that pay $35K or more–but a lot of them probably don’t fit your interests or skills. Could you go through each one, and list the pros and cons of each?” This approach acknowledges both sides of the argument, and empowers your husband to work it out.

David

I liked Kelly’s response, of “we are in this together” which is very helpful and her words and actions of support for her husband”.

Getting out there that Boyd and you mentioned are the healing and attracting new opportunities parts of the equation. While the first inclination is to just burrow back under the covers. There is a whole new world out there to discover but with a different set of eyes. I found a reason to be out and about and as I reached out, referrals came my way. I also found that I encountered a new level of growth. I made it a game to learn something new everyday and make at least one contact each day or 5 a week.

Maybe her husband was not in a field that was best suited for him or was working for someone in a no-win situation. I saw an extreme example of this some years back. The individual fought hard and couldn’t do anything right. His performance was embarrassing and he was embarrassed. Many of us (from another division) agonized over how to help him. A manager in yet another division felt sorry for him and offered him a position in a totally different field. The man absolutely blossomed….I have never seen anything like it. In no time the man was at the top of his new division……and everyone was praising him and his work. Different field….Different boss or?

The funny thing is that when I offer help to someone in my area of expertise, it has come back in spades. Have I replaced my income yet……no. Am I happier and healthier …absolutely! The income will come as long as I stay active and connected.