Our research on bullying shows that both boys and girls “graduate” to silence as they grow older. Neither men nor women are very good at speaking up about risky, sensitive topics in ways that are direct, frank, honest, and respectful.

My dad used to say that we learn our people skills “at our mother’s knee, or some other low joint.” Too often, we fail to learn them at all. It’s great to see more schools step up to this challenge.

Hi Sunil,

I’ll react to your suggestions. Overall, I believe they are sound–so I’ll emphasize any differences I might have.

1. Assume People Can Change. I would press even further than you suggest. I believe that even people who have strong agendas can change those agendas. In Crucial Conversations we talk about how to find Mutual Purpose–the broader purposes where differing agendas find common ground. I agree with your suggestions to find a quiet, casual place where the person will feel safe. You are also correct that mood (yours and theirs) will impact reactions.

2. Determine What You Really Want. Here I really want people to look within themselves. Often, when we face high-stakes, emotional disagreements, our motives and attention become short-term and self-centered. We focus on the immediate disagreement, and lose sight of our broader more long-term goals. I want people to think more long-term and more inclusively. This step is about getting your motives and your heart right. Having said that, I agree that many of these challenges will require multiple conversations and a true commitment to solving the problem.

3. Approach as a Friend. Research on People Perception (see Susan Fiske’s work at Princeton) suggests that the first judgment people make during a conversation is whether the other person is acting as a Friend or a Foe (Warm/Cold). Second, they judge whether the person is Right or Wrong (Competent/Incompetent). The mistake we make is to assume our motives are always pure and always transparent–that people know we are the “good guys”. So, we jump right into trying to prove we are right, before taking the time to show we are on their side. The skill here is to explain our motives in a way that is clear and positive, instead of making the person guess. Too often, people guess we are a foe.

4. Stick to Facts. Here we mean to lead with the documented facts that don’t involve judgments. Explain what you have observed and what you had expected. If the problem involves a pattern–as most do–then take the time to detail a couple of incidents that illustrate the pattern before giving the pattern a label. The facts can create common ground, because they are observable to everyone. Usually, the challenge comes when you move to your conclusions (your story) about what the facts mean to you.

Hope this helps,

While I like your article, I would like to have your views on the 2 cents that I shared above for each of your points. 🙂

Thanks
Sunil Roy

sunilkroy4@gmail.com

1) Assume people can change –
Mostly yes, unless a person has a specific agenda.
I have generally chosen Light moments to start that conversation (like in a cafeteria if he is alone, or an offsite event or a celebration/fun event or a situation where he is happy due to an appreciation or an accomplishment, etc.)
I have gauged the mood of the person before starting a difficult conversation, since a bad mood can spell havoc.

2) Determine what you really want –
I plan well for it, including a Plan B, where I can even volunteer to do something out of the way to help him understand/agree.
Even if he agrees to 50% of what the need is, it is a bonus to start with.
So, while I do assume that people will change, I do NOT go with a determination to change him in the first attempt.
If I see resistance, I am ready to back off for that moment, and pursue in a manner that is more positive from his point of view, later.
Also, I am ready to agree half-way that suits both of us.
This is a good start.

3) Approach as a friend, not a foe –
When approaching a peer, I go with a Request for Cooperation.
When approaching a senior, I go with a Request for Support.
This Request approach has helped me many a times, especially since it prevents me from bringing my ego in between, and also is a direct indication to him that I am not approaching him with my ego.
The Request approach also helps him soften his stand, and will at least lend his ears.

4) Stick to the facts –
Here again, I would use the Request approach.
I would say things like, “I have a small request. Could you please help me next time by allowing me too to give my opinion in that matter? It impacts my project, so I would like to explain my opinion too, to prevent a risk to my project.”
……

And, when I look back, the few occasions where the outcome was not as desired, it was because…
1) Either the person had a different agenda OR
2) I had spoken in an impulse (maybe in a meeting or during the planned difficult conversation itself or in an urgency), rather than plan it out well or stay calm all along.

So, probably one point in your list could be to avoid impulsive reactions. It is there in my mental list at least.

Thanks
Sunil Roy

sunilkroy4@gmail.com

I’ll add my two cents here. First, I agree that the way we worded our question encouraged people to vent. In fact, many more or less blew their tops!

As a result, I also agree that they need to Start with Heart & Separate Facts from Stories. We intended to suggest that they take these steps.

Our second recommendation, “Determine what you really want” is designed to get them to re-examine their heart. Our third recommendation, Approach as a Friend, not a Foe” is also linked to Heart, in that we ask them to explain their positive motives up front.

Our fourth recommendation, “Stick to the Facts” is designed to help them avoid leading with their Story.

I wonder whether it’s sometimes helpful to vent to ourselves in order to figure out what is really in our vault. I have a feeling that some of these people hadn’t ever articulated their concerns–even to themselves. The mistake would be to vent these mixed-up and often self-serving stories to others. That’s why we have skills, right?

Dear Anonynous – I want to make sure I learn from your comment – can you please clarify what “verified statements” you’re referring to? Are you commenting on something in the video or in the bullet point quotes above? Sorry if we fell short of being helpful!