Comments on: How to Deal with Delicate Family Issues

By: Becky

Becky — Wed, 18 Mar 2015 20:50:55 +0000

Good advice. Money has caused a division in our family as well. In the letter, “A Way” didn’t mention how much time, money and effort they put into their mother’s care making it sound like the sister did all the work and “A Way” just wanted the money. Caregivers are often required to give up their own lives to care for a loved one and receive very little from it, which it sounded to me, Joseph, like you were getting at. How many loans did you get from your mother that maybe your sister didn’t get or take. Those kinds of things are often overlooked as well. My mom has to take time every week to help my grandfather with his finances and deal with day to day things even though he lives fairly well on his own. But it is still time and stress on her that the others don’t have to spend because they live out of state. Thankfully, the others are respectful of this and are ok with mom getting a little extra for compensation. I agree, check your motives first before you start pointing the unfair finger.

By: Teddi

Teddi — Wed, 18 Mar 2015 15:30:51 +0000

Great article with excellent advice.

By: Mike

Mike — Fri, 13 Mar 2015 21:40:47 +0000

My wife is a better communicator than I. Had she been asked to respond to the original question, it would have been near verbatim. So saying, my siblings and I had no success. My sister was unprepared to listen. We my Dad passed all was willed to my Mom. When she passed, my sister couldn’t see that we should have received something at least from my Dad’s passing. No amount of rationalizing or mediating worked. Thankfully the probate courts have a saying “Even a dog deserves a bone.” Under great duress my sister reluctantly handed over the small amount determined by the court with a most scathing letter included with our checks. Nearly 15 years later we still don’t speak and each year I receive her Christmas card back with “Return to Sender” and a big F U across the front. Money has a way of bringing out the best in people! LOL

By: Dawn

Dawn — Fri, 13 Mar 2015 21:39:56 +0000

In reply to Kyndra. Well said! I've seen way too many people complaining about a parent's estate. Be happy if you get anything.

By: Lanie

Lanie — Thu, 12 Mar 2015 02:03:19 +0000

I really valued the ideas of how to reflect on where others are coming from – a wonderful tool for a family or work issues.
They way you are able to broaden the point of view is tremendous, a skill I covet (& am trying to improve). Thank you

By: Margaret Maxfield

Margaret Maxfield — Wed, 11 Mar 2015 21:31:28 +0000

The article was excellent and so are the comments. Wise people! MWM

By: BJ

BJ — Wed, 11 Mar 2015 17:14:01 +0000

Thank you for the information and the additional thoughts. I am going through a similar situation with my father, step-mother and step-siblings. Dad is getting more and more confused and I have POA over finances. The steps have imputed motives for both Dad and my financial decisions. We hope to have a meeting soon to try to get on the same page about how to move forward in dealing with a finite amount of assets and an ever-growing monthly rent of over $13k a month in their assisted living facility. There are hard feelings all the way around and emotions run high. This article will help me to have a more balanced approach toward everyone.

By: Lynn

Lynn — Wed, 11 Mar 2015 16:47:53 +0000

I wish that I had seen this great information BEFORE my mother-in-law passed. The “end result” may not have been any different, because my sister-in-law/her family would probably have taken everything no matter what. But I believe that following your advice, my husband and I would have been better prepared, emotionally, to deal with the situation.

By: Liz

Liz — Wed, 11 Mar 2015 16:30:05 +0000

Amen!

I found I applied a lot of what I’d learned from crucial skills in my own family-will situation. You will learn a lot about yourself and others in following suggestions offered above. A positive is that the increased understanding can help you in making decisions about your own future.

Even when there are equal shares, there will be people who want more (regardless of need). My experience helped me realize how my own sibs differed when it came to money and I think it was a gift to learn that. Ten years ago I’d have readily given them POA over my finances but know now their priority would be preserving my assets for their inheritance vs my safe care or good life.

One inlaw is angry that I’m leaving some money to charity (he’d asked me who I was leaving my money to & I’d said ‘sibs & charity’). After my mom ‘s estate was settled, he started asking me how much $$ I had, what he could expect, and who was my financial advisor.

Had I not had that experience with sibs and my mom’s estate, I’d have made different choices for my own future. Now they are ‘informed choices’.

Thinking through the process and listening to others’ perceptions was informative. Those crucial skills are truly crucial! Thanks.

By: Grizzly Bear Mom

Grizzly Bear Mom — Wed, 11 Mar 2015 15:20:50 +0000

In reply to Joan. Joan you are a credit to whatever faith you joined. I do not believe that most would get over the inequitable distribution of the inheritance.