Comments on: When Your Skills Aren’t Working https://cruciallearning.com/blog/when-your-skills-arent-working/ VitalSmarts is now Crucial Learning Tue, 19 Oct 2010 03:40:07 +0000 hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=6.5.2 By: Diomede https://cruciallearning.com/blog/when-your-skills-arent-working/#comment-1298 Tue, 19 Oct 2010 03:40:07 +0000 http://www.crucialskills.com/?p=873#comment-1298 The part that more compelled me was about the lack of upside and fatigue. Someone is so enthusiast to apply the new skills that forget when and in which case they should be used. I relate often with Chinese people, their culture is pretty indirect, so they are socially educated to tollerate rather than face it straight.
Slightly different is the italian culture, mine, we feel like there is no need to get deep and detailed on many issues, it is stressful and not cool.

]]> By: Phyllis J March https://cruciallearning.com/blog/when-your-skills-arent-working/#comment-1297 Thu, 30 Sep 2010 00:16:53 +0000 http://www.crucialskills.com/?p=873#comment-1297 I think Dancing Alone is to be commended for practicing the new skills and feeling proud of her own conduct. It’s very possible that it could be the other people who are the problem, and not her! In the book “The Dance of Anger,” it states that when someone starts to grow in a relationship, the other person very often wants them to “change back” because they’re threatened by the changes — it’s new, unfamiliar, uncomfortable, etc. A similar situation can occur in work relationships. Keep practicing, growing, and fine tuning your skills and you will attract those who want to grow with you.

]]> By: MHuebner https://cruciallearning.com/blog/when-your-skills-arent-working/#comment-1296 Wed, 29 Sep 2010 19:57:47 +0000 http://www.crucialskills.com/?p=873#comment-1296 There is a #6. I would add substance/alcohol abuse. Those individuals who are under the influence may be unable/unwilling to respond postively to an attempt to a crucial conversation.

]]> By: Stephen Pellegrino https://cruciallearning.com/blog/when-your-skills-arent-working/#comment-1295 Wed, 29 Sep 2010 17:13:33 +0000 http://www.crucialskills.com/?p=873#comment-1295 Joseph,
You’ve helped address a common criticism I’ve had each of the Vital Smarts training (having attended all three and currently teaching C.Conversations).
I’ve said at each class that in spite of the apparent party line to make the distinction between crucial and non-crucial conversations, I encourage people to try out these skills on the little stuff first. If you can’t handle telling someone their fly is down or they’ve got a piece of lettuce in their teeth you probably won’t step up well when your grandmother shouldn’t drive anymore or your kid is hanging around with the wrong crowd.
However…. I now see the fatigue principle as a plausible counter to always trying to use these skills for noncrucial discussions.
thanks,
Stephen

]]> By: Frank Bertram https://cruciallearning.com/blog/when-your-skills-arent-working/#comment-1294 Wed, 29 Sep 2010 16:19:20 +0000 http://www.crucialskills.com/?p=873#comment-1294 Perhaps Dancing should look at her delivery style also. If she is coming across as “touchy-feely” that will turn off certain people who don’t like that style, particularly certain males.

]]> By: Joseph Grenny https://cruciallearning.com/blog/when-your-skills-arent-working/#comment-1293 Wed, 29 Sep 2010 13:46:37 +0000 http://www.crucialskills.com/?p=873#comment-1293 Nice distinction. I agree – and that is worth considering as well.
@David Mork

]]> By: Joseph Grenny https://cruciallearning.com/blog/when-your-skills-arent-working/#comment-1292 Wed, 29 Sep 2010 13:45:36 +0000 http://www.crucialskills.com/?p=873#comment-1292 I’m happy to be in company with Stephen M.R. on your list. He is a great friend and I believe has made an important contribution with The Speed of Trust. He is also a wonderful exemplar of everything he teaches.
@Gregory Rubel

]]> By: Gene Sorrell https://cruciallearning.com/blog/when-your-skills-arent-working/#comment-1291 Wed, 29 Sep 2010 13:22:17 +0000 http://www.crucialskills.com/?p=873#comment-1291 Joseph,

I wonder if there might not be one more area to be covered by your shotgun answer – safety from the aspect of feeling as though you are being “manipulated”. Many of us have had different types of training regarding listening and conversation skills and once you have been through a few of these courses, you start to recognize when the skills are being used on you.

It may arise from a feeling of a lack of sincerity on the speaker’s part, or a lack of trust between the conversation participants as you alluded to above. I am an independent thinker and do not like to be manipulated and when I detect these types of skills being used in a conversation, my first instinct is to resist. How I recover from that point is gauged mainly on my personal history with that person.

As you mentioned above, time and history developed with these people will eventually show them that you do truly care about the results they see too, but make sure you’re not just using these skills to manipulate others in order to “get you way”. People will know and start avoiding conversations with you. You HAVE to maintain sincerity, not just through the conversation, but also through your actions after the talking is completed.

Gene Sorrell

]]> By: David Mork https://cruciallearning.com/blog/when-your-skills-arent-working/#comment-1290 Wed, 29 Sep 2010 13:03:22 +0000 http://www.crucialskills.com/?p=873#comment-1290 One other possible addition to the shotgun approach. It’s possible this problem is not related to Dancing Alone, but to a history of interactions with Dancing Alone’s organizational unit. In that case, it’ll just take time to build a rapport, but when done, Dancing might re-orient other’s view of the unit as a whole.

]]> By: Gregory Rubel https://cruciallearning.com/blog/when-your-skills-arent-working/#comment-1289 Wed, 29 Sep 2010 12:58:52 +0000 http://www.crucialskills.com/?p=873#comment-1289 Relational safety sounds an awful lot like a high trust environment. The two most influencial authors of my career have been the folks at Vital Smarts and Stephen M.R. Covey and his book, “The Speed of Trust.” I’ve had a couple of situations where applying the concepts from both books has led to several specific successes. The trust has to be built first, but then the Vital Smarts techniques become super effective. Perhaps, it is an area where you can direct some research in the future. No need to reply.

Greg Rubel
President
Markel Corporation-Mid South Region

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