Comments on: Responding to Unwanted Parenting Advice

By: Jenna

Jenna — Tue, 10 Sep 2013 17:15:47 +0000

In reply to Katherine Schindler. I don't see this as a matter of gender inequality. His family is the one that is causing the problem and therefore might respond better to the their son than to their daughter-in-law. After all, he is the one they raised, the one that has had the benefit of the parenting skills in which they seem to be so confident. They might be thinking, "What does she know?" Although this wouldn't necessarily be true for all families, it is likely that he has more influence on them than she does simply by nature of being their son. I am sure that if it were her family instead, the advice would be for her to take the lead in setting the boundaries.

By: bscopes best leadership blogs | RAPIDBI

bscopes best leadership blogs | RAPIDBI — Sat, 03 Nov 2012 21:24:17 +0000

[…] Responding to Unwanted Parenting Advice […]

By: Patsi Maroney

Patsi Maroney — Sun, 08 Apr 2012 17:14:41 +0000

Hi Joseph, thanks for sharing your personal experience with this devastating “unspeakable” that happens more often than most people realize. I was in the unenviable position of being a single mom and having to remove my 11-year-old “dual diagnosis” (developmentally disabled/psychotic) son from our home when he became physically violent with me and his younger brother (he’s now 29 & doing quite a bit better). I find myself in disagreement with your “involve them in the story” portion of your advice. If I had used that with the critical people in my life, they would have viewed it as “oh goody, she wants even more of ‘my help'” (eek!!). There was not enough safety in our relationship for me to open that door for them, and that was not the time to try & build it.

I would like to offer an alternative approach to that portion of your advice. Instead of asking them “tell me how you would have handled this”, I used more of the “clarity with my boundaries” approach, saying, “I really appreciate your caring and desire to help. The way you can help me the most is to not openly question my decisions, especially not in front of Johnny. If you’re confused about why I’ve decided something, I would be happy to give you more details at another time & place when Johnny can’t overhear our conversation.” Basically, I had to let go of my expectations that they would agree/support my decisions, even though I thought they “should” when they had the full story themselves.

Thanks again for all you do; I find your tools incredibly helpful in many aspects of my life. Take care.

By: Amy Buckingham

Amy Buckingham — Wed, 04 Apr 2012 21:57:50 +0000

Hello,
As soon as I began reading the Q&A titled Responding to Unwanted Parenting Advice I thought of my personal experiences with similar situations. In these situations the children were inaccurately diagnosed and ineffectively treated. The “treatments” actually made the situations worse and more painful for all. It wasn’t until I found someone familiar with FAS/FASD (Fetal Alcohol Syndrome/Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorders) that there seemed to be hope and we began to make progress. This is most often overlooked. I urge anyone experiencing these hard to explain symptoms in children to seek out someone experienced in recognizing and providing guidance to people effected by FAS/FASD and their families. A good reference in which to begin understanding is the
SAMHSA FASD Center for Excellence. The link is as follows: http://fasdcenter.samhsa.gov/

My heart goes out to families struggling with this.

By: Joseph Grenny

Joseph Grenny — Wed, 04 Apr 2012 19:02:11 +0000

That's impressive, Louise. What a mark of your humility. @Joseph Grenny

By: Joseph Grenny

Joseph Grenny — Wed, 04 Apr 2012 19:01:38 +0000

@Katherine Schindler Katherine - good comment. I may have read more in than I should. The questioner said it was her husband's family that was critical. I assumed he should not be dumping the responsibility to address concerns on her exclusively - it should be shared or he should take somewhat of the lead as he has the stronger relationship. An least in my opinion!

By: Heather Kauer

Heather Kauer — Wed, 04 Apr 2012 17:46:53 +0000

Joseph – I really aspire to be as humble and zen as you. Great response.

By: Louise

Louise — Wed, 04 Apr 2012 13:54:10 +0000

As a “critical” family member, I learned a lot from this article. It made me realize that my sister and her husband may have been dealing with a situation that I may not have fully understood!

By: Katherine Schindler

Katherine Schindler — Wed, 04 Apr 2012 13:24:55 +0000

Hi Joseph.

Responding to Unwanted Parenting Advice article.

I want thank you for this helpful article how to deal with unwanted advice from parents.

I have a concern about this portion of the article. You advice that the husband take the lead. I would like your rationale for why the husband should take the lead since there has been strides in gender equality. Shouldn’t that be decided by the couple who facilitates the meeting between the parents and the couple? I feel disappointed that the man slated to take the lead.

“Finally, I support your desire to have some clear “no-no”s for the in-laws. Be sure you and your husband are unified. Have him take the lead in laying out these boundaries.”

Katherine