Comments on: Finding Respect for Your Ex

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By: editor

editor — Thu, 27 Oct 2011 16:00:56 +0000

@Mary Witt Thanks for sharing your book recommendation and your point-of-view as a child of divorced parents. Readers, you can buy "Co-Parenting Works!" on Amazon.com.

By: editor

editor — Thu, 27 Oct 2011 15:18:00 +0000

@Cheryl Thank you for sharing! I'm sure "Divorced and Distressed Dad" will love to hear your story and know that it's possible to rebuild safety and mutual purpose with his ex.

By: Mary Witt

Mary Witt — Thu, 27 Oct 2011 13:28:42 +0000

A friend of mine wrote an amazing book: Co-Parenting Works!: Helping Your Children Thrive after Divorce —
Tammy G Daughtry. The first time I heard her speak on this approach to co-parenting I was shocked. As a child my parents’ divorce was very bitter. The ideas she was suggesting felt crazy. Have pictures on the fridge that (separately) show both parents and even stepparents?? After I moved past that initial emotional surge, I realized I was feeling sad. I did feel torn apart by my parents’ hatred when I was younger. I am still walking a tightrope between them 30 years later. All of this to say: It’s a great book [note, there are Christian themes woven in.]

By: Cheryl

Cheryl — Thu, 27 Oct 2011 05:36:31 +0000

I just wanted to comment on the “Respecting your Ex” article. My ex-husband and I had a troubles marriage for 19 years, and 4 children by the time it was over. When we decided to divorce, we first set ground rules that we loved our children and put them first – above the hurt we both felt. We have been apart for 9 years now, and have managed to keep a healthy relationship with each other and our children, because we decided to be adults and remember that the children were most important. I have seen so many cases where the “adults” were so wrapped up in their own hurt that they couldn’t see what was most important, or refused to let stuff go. Even if the other party doesn’t always keep the agreement to be civil about you to your children, you always have to be – take the high road, and it will pay off in the long run! The ex may never want to let go of the hurt, but if you do, and if you behave with respect, it will help you and your children.

By: editor

editor — Wed, 26 Oct 2011 18:24:33 +0000

Hi @Sharon, that's a great question. I think Joseph's response to Stacy is also the perfect answer to your question. I recommend you read the previous column he mentioned. He shared some great tips for getting over hurt and anger at the things your spouse has said.

By: Sharon Davis

Sharon Davis — Wed, 26 Oct 2011 17:33:21 +0000

Mr. Grenny, I found such “wisdom and common sense” in your article, Finding Respect for Your Ex. I am not (yet) separated or divorced from my husband of 15 years, but found if can “plant, nourish and harvest” some of the seeds” from your article, I may never be. Turbulent times are at hand for us and many options are being considered. Emotions are high and on edge. Respect seems to have flown out the window and fear of what may lie ahead has created a chaotic situation. I heard someone say that “HURT PEOPLE, hurt people” and we’re both hurting. HURT is such a strong and FULL emotion it turns wisdom into foolishness, common sense into two cents and clouds judgment. It’s extremely hard for me to get over the hurtful things, because I believe people say what they mean when they are hurt. How do I overcome this strong emotion so I can use this logic to begin healing our relationship? Thank You Sharon

By: Joseph Grenny

Joseph Grenny — Wed, 26 Oct 2011 16:52:45 +0000

What a painful situation, Stacy. I’m sorry you and your daughter are having to deal with that.
I think the advice I offer in the article is the most realistic I can give. It may well be that he is so concerned about your judgments for his actions that he is defensively cutting himself off as a self-protective measure. Your best hope is to be honorable and gracious yourself for long enough (if you can get yourself to do that even with all the legitimate hurt you feel) that you can create a modicum of safety within which to have the ground rules discussion with him. The goal is to create a safe enough space that you can just discuss your clear mutual purpose in creating a nurturing environment for your daughter.
I hope you can. Best wishes, Stacy!

BTW – you may find value in one of my previous columns on http://www.crucialskills.com/2011/09/getting-over-the-hurt/