Thank you for your comment. I grew up around addicts. I have my own addictions. I recognize them in myself and I recognize addictions in others.

My adult child struggles with food addiction. I inadvertently taught them how to ignore their feelings and use food for comfort when they were young. I now see the results of my terrible parenting and, of course, want to help. It is a rock and hard place situation. I used to ask my doctor what I should do and they said, “nothing”. My doctor told me to lose weight but could not help me to help my child have better coping mechanisms.

Some doctors don’t appear to be equipped to deal with this issue. It was painful throughout my life to watch family members suffer from alcohol addictions, other drug addictions, gambling addictions, sex addictions, etc. It is even more painful to watch my own child suffer and not be able to say anything.

How my child “looks” is a reflection of their addiction in the same way other addicts have very telling physical signs of their addiction.

While people (parents) get accused of seeing only the external, that is shallow. Most of us fully understand that the external we are seeing is potential heart disease, kidney disease, diabetes, cancers, blindness, amputations, liver disease, Vitamin D deficiency which is important for bone density, hip and knee problems.

Why is it that if our child was doing cocaine that would be completely acceptable to intervene, but when our child is eating too often, unhealthy “non” foods that lead to chronic illness, then it’s not acceptable to intervene? I think we have to find a way to revisit this mindset.

We know there are no guarantees when we do an addiction intervention. The person might hate us and continue to use. But at least we tried. The same should apply for a food addiction intervention. We don’t know if it will change things, but watching my child slowly die in front of me from something preventable, isn’t an option.

I’m willing to take the chance that it might backfire. I love my child too much to ignore this.

They are also a stunning soul and we are close.

The changes I witness in their eating, and their communication when we are in person together are significant. High speed, higher pitches speaking and tone of voice; frequent discussion about what they have or will eat, or about how amazing a restaurant menu item is; eating larger portion sizes, grazing on sugar, and eating throughout the day.

From where I stand in knowing them, this pattern has emerged to a far lesser degree during other life challenges, but has never been so extreme.

If you have ever lived with somebody, struggling with an addiction, there is a a palpable feeling along with it. The closest I can describe it is to liking it to a solar plexus craving, with an underlying anxiety. When the person is engaged in their addiction, there is a neediness, an unsettling, compulsive energy.

It’s interesting to me that in this discussion thread, there has been no mention of addiction. Nor has there been a mention of how toxic our food has become. And how large portion sizes are promoted in restaurants across the country. In America, wheat crops are sprayed with Roundup. And even organic foods can be contaminated by air and water born chemicals. We are at an epidemic level of negative environmental impacts on the human body.

In addition, anxiety disorders are on the rise among children, teens and adults. The way my brother dealt with his anxiety was substance abuse.

My work with holistic education, we discuss, addictions, as stemming from a deep, emotional overwhelm. This too, is an American issue. We live in a culture where people navigate decisions from their feelings, or from their intellect, but far less often from their wisdom, or what we might call “inner knowing.“

When this mother speaks about her desperation to help her daughter, and her fear that her daughter’s life is being ruined, I get it. She is likely watching her adult child make decisions that are hard to reverse. She may be seeing significant weight gain impact her child’s health, enjoyment, and relationships. And she is dealing with a culture that does not fully address the complexity underlying the significant weight gains in individuals that is occurring across our country. Her daughter is not alone. Many many people are living with extra body weight that is undermining their health.

Of course, it’s always helpful to take care of ourselves as mothers, get help for our own reactions and feelings that need support, and accept reality so that we are not in reaction. But I question the advice to honor that this child is now an adult, making their own decisions. In my work, I see people make decisions from all kinds of perspectives. From their feelings, from their intellect, or from their discernment. These are very distinct.

Addiction to drugs, and alcohol is seen as a disease in this country. And is treated as such. When addiction is driving behavior, there is the feeling of being out of control of the decision making process.

Of course, mother love can skew reality. Love is not the same thing as doing the loving thing. Doing the living thing requires wisdom. It requires understanding the consequences of one’s actions, of being self,-observing and knowing whether one is coming from reaction, and a desire for control, or from a deep desire to support the growth and best for another.

To the mother, who wrote, I say listen deeply to your own inner guidance, listen deeply to the inner wisdom of your daughter, who can help guide you, and do what you believe to be the wise thing. You don’t need expert online opinions. You need to trust your own knowing and your love for your daughter. And you are allowed to make mistakes in the process of honing in on what is the living thing to do here.

Who will ever love your daughter more than you do?

That’s exactly what happened to me. I was 12 when my mother talked to the doctor in front of me about how overweight I was (I was a size 12). What I learned was that I wasn’t loveable unless I was thin. All my sisters struggle with this. However, their daughters do not – most of them don’t struggle with weight and their mothers/my sisters don’t make an issue out of it.

1. You’re very much implying that this is a cult, and she’s being brainwashed, Perturbed Parent. And that traditional psychology hasn’t helped. Using loaded language like this implies that you are not open to accepting the answers and are looking for a particular answer from them that matches your point of view.
2. I would suggest finding a hobby or common interest with your daughter that doesn’t revolve around food, or weight, or exercise. You need some time to rebuild trust with your daughter, and if your conversations have all skewed very negatively for both of you for awhile, having some time to build the trust together will help.

My mother and I had a similar relationship for a long time, and psychology did help her – what we found was she was projecting her own insecurities about weight and food onto me. When we both worked together to find activities we could do without food, we rebuilt our relationship and found BOTH of us lost weight AND have a great relationship now.

Yes! I loved my mom, but I’ll never forget the conversation (aka lecture) she tried to have with me about my weight. I asked her if she thought I didn’t know what my weight was. Then I asked her if she had the same conversation with her “overweight” friends.
I could hear my dad in the background saying “I told you not to say that”.

We want so desperately to change our son so that he does not turn to drugs to self-medicate himself. I know that addiction is quite different in that experts warn against enabling the behavior (covering for them at work, etc.) We have not covered his behavior at all and in fact have set boundaries for what we are willing to accept. (He cannot live with us because of past behavior.)

It is a difficult road to travel trying to stand firm in boundaries while still showing our son love and care. Just because we show support (not monetary) doesn’t mean that we accept his drug use. We want him to have someone to turn to and talk with in desperate times. When he is in jail, we will accept phone calls from him and discuss his options, but we will NOT bail him out.

I know that it is a totally different situation, but there could be some similarities in the way that you deal with your daughter. Someone mentioned the Serenity Prayer. This was created for those dealing with difficult circumstances for which we have no control. You can only control your reactions to what is going on. You cannot control your daughter’s behavior.