Hi David, thanks for taking the time to read. I guess the way I’d answer your question is that it doesn’t really matter. Perhaps the person is self-projecting, but I think the goal (and challenge) is to look at any feedback as an opportunity for growth. Even if someone is criticizing something in you that they see or feel about themselves, it doesn’t mean the feedback is invalid. I’d worry less about how the feedback is delivered, and more about what you can do with it. Take the opportunity to reflect and see if you can improve. If you think the feedback is completely off base, then get curious. Ask for some specific facts and examples. If the other person can’t come up with any, well, then, you can move forward confidently knowing that the other person is the one with the problem. For more ideas on accepting feedback, read my previous piece: https://cruciallearning.com/blog/when-feedback-feels-abusive/.

Hi Brittney,

When receiving feedback,
how can you tell if someone is self-projecting?

If they are self-projecting what is the best way to deal with this sort of feedback?

Thank you for your comments. You bring up some really valid points. I agree the comments were discriminatory – which is why I suggested confronting them directly. And like you said, an effective way to proceed is to look at any role you might be playing before jumping into the conversation. This helps to diffuse your own emotion and defensiveness as well as disarm others, making the conversation more productive. It would also be possible to simply confront the discrimination directly.

Thank you for taking the time to read my comments. It’s hard to get these scenarios completely right when you only have a few sentences to draw from. In my reading of the question, it seemed like the manager delivered the hearsay as a critique – rather than having defended her in the moment. It’s definitely possible I got it wrong, and your view could be another perspective. Another good tip to include would be to come into the conversation with curiosity and openness to what really happened. That would help draw out the truth of what really occurred.

Thank you for your thoughts. Your point certainly crossed my mind – being blunt isn’t always bad. In many cases it indicates you are willing to speak up and that can be a powerful skill. Blunt can also be described as forthright, direct, and candid. And said that way, we’d feel like this person was an effective communicator. Unfortunately, I don’t know this reader and I don’t know her colleagues, my only advice is to not completely dismiss the feedback just because it was delivered in a difficult way. Maybe there is opportunity for growth there? If not, and the questioner feels confident in the way she interacts with others, then she can proceed with confidence. In general, looking at the role you might be playing in the situation is an important step to not entering the conversation on the defense. I think it also helps to disarm the other person who likely does feel like she has some room for improvement. Just something to consider.