Comments on: Can You Have a Crucial Conversation with Someone Who Doesn’t Want To?

By: bean q

bean q — Sun, 09 Oct 2022 07:31:19 +0000

big PLUS 1 from me
solid advice that’s easy to read (hopefully easy to heed!)

By: Ryan Trimble

Ryan Trimble — Fri, 07 Oct 2022 02:50:17 +0000

In reply to Paula M. Kramer. Good insight, Paula. Thanks.

By: Julie

Julie — Thu, 06 Oct 2022 16:34:36 +0000

Ryan: Thank you for this reminder that ultimately the only thing we can truly control is ourselves, and how we approach any situation, especially those that seem out of our control, can make all the difference.

By: Paula M. Kramer

Paula M. Kramer — Thu, 06 Oct 2022 09:11:08 +0000

It seems to me that the best person to talk to the neighbor is another veteran who has experienced PTSD. I have PTSD from a horrific childhood. The first thing I need is to feel safe. I assume the neighbor also needs to feel safe. Perhaps having a dog that attacks other dogs makes him feel safe. I wonder if any organizations for veterans helps with this kind of situation. Another veteran with PTSD could point out better ways to feel safe. Having a dog that attacks other dogs is obviously not the best way to guarantee safety.

By: Meryl Bryant

Meryl Bryant — Wed, 05 Oct 2022 23:24:18 +0000

I have been a crucial conversation certified trainer for over 10 years. I thought Ryan’s response was completely irresponsible. Several years ago when I lived in Carmel California two people were shot to death over a rock in someone’s driveway by their neighbor. Approaching someone who could have severe mental challenges and also carries a gun is a dangerous thing to do no matter what. Psycho educational training is not the same as psychological professional training. Comparing it to unrequited love is ridiculous. I think you incurred a huge liability encouraging this person to try and talk to the neighbor. I’m very disappointed.

By: Ryan Trimble

Ryan Trimble — Wed, 05 Oct 2022 16:54:19 +0000

In reply to RPM. Thanks for sharing this perspective and alternative approach, RPM.

By: RPM

RPM — Wed, 05 Oct 2022 16:05:21 +0000

Dear Nervous Neighbor,

Before addressing your question about talking to your neighbor I want to reassure you that I believe that you did the right thing by pressing charges. A beautiful, seven-year-old girl was killed last year in a neighboring city to me by pit bulls. The two dogs that murdered the little girl had a history of biting but no one reported the incidents until after the news story was released. Had they done so, that little girl would still be alive today. I repeat – YOU DID THE RIGHT THING.

While I have sympathy for your neighbor’s situation, being a veteran with PTSD does not entitle him to harbor an animal that has repeatedly attacked others.

I want you to consider yours and his point of view before approaching him:

First, imagine your dog being the aggressor in this situation with someone else’s pet. How would you have behaved? You would have paid the vet bills, apologized profusely, and done whatever you could to make restitution. If your dog continued to behave this way my guess is that any time it is allowed outside it would always be leashed and muzzled.

Now imagine yourself as he is. Really imagine this. Your dog is aggressive and has attacked another dog. You do nothing effective to change the situation, refuse to take responsibility, or even apologize. Your dog attacks four more times. You do not pay the vet bills, refuse to muzzle it, refuse to put a shock collar on it, and refuse to apologize when it goes after someone’s pet and terrorizes both the pet and owner in the process.

Can you really imagine yourself doing that? No. You cannot and refuse to be that person.

However he IS that person. And hear me: he cannot or refuses to be you. You are not responsible for him or his behavior. You are responsible for protecting yourself, your pets, your family, and I agree – your neighbors (in particular their children). Being a victim of PTSD does not make it okay to victimize others.

Ryan took a gentle approach to helping you consider that respecting the no-contact order may be the best choice.

I strongly want you to consider that having a conversation with him, knowing that he allows his pet to do others serious harm, may do neither of you a bit of good and has great potential to make the situation infinitely worse.

I carry pepper spray in my hand while out walking our dogs. I hope that you and your neighborhood are able to stay safe and wish you health and peace.

By: Stephani

Stephani — Wed, 05 Oct 2022 15:49:03 +0000

Loved this! I honestly started off not going to read it because I figured if they don’t want to talk, I wouldn’t care. Motive definitely affects all crucial conversations that I think of..Thank you!

By: Ryan Trimble

Ryan Trimble — Wed, 05 Oct 2022 15:42:15 +0000

In reply to C. P.. Thanks for this valuable info, C.P.

By: C. P.

C. P. — Wed, 05 Oct 2022 15:09:11 +0000

I’m a dog trainer who has worked with several vets similar to the person you’re describing. A couple tips I’ve picked up are:
1. If he has told you he has PTSD, and its not an inference, I would urge you to talk to a professional about how to talk to people with PTSD. It makes a big difference in how to ease the conversation, and it helps with managing conversations in the long term.
2. Since you have been no-contact, I wouldn’t start out a conversation with him right away. I would go slowly. Start with a hi when you’re both out in your yards, and see how it goes. You may be ready to come to a resolution of the conflict, but he might not be. Reading his signals would be incredibly important for this.
3. He may not be the right person to have the conversation with initially. Some vets work with assistants to help manage their symptoms in situations like this, and getting their help can be invaluable in easing a situation like this.
4. Many areas have organizations that help veterans with the cost of behavioral trainers and dog trainers to work with their dogs. If it does go well, offer to help find him one of these. His pup is probably struggling as much as he sounds like he is.