Hi Martha, on the blog homepage there’s a search tool just below the featured post. If you search “virtual” you’ll find a number of posts. Perhaps one of those is pertinent. You might try other relevant search terms too.

Yes, I think we need to recognize that a substantial portion of our population does, unfortunately, often end up in this abusive “gaslighting” situation, through no fault of their own, just because that is the way our society operates. There are over-many individual battles to fight at this time. Fortunately, the given techniques can help. Substantially.

Gaslighted, I have some suggestions I hope may help. As soon as the disrespect / demeaning pattern starts, I suggest stopping the conversation to say I want to hear you and resolve this but right now I am feeling disrespected by xyz. When that happens I have difficulty hearing the rest of what you’re saying and then I lose focus on working through the issue with you. Can we start over, or would you please restate that? This is the first pattern that needs to change and I believe a very important one. Set the expectation of respectful communication and continue that throughout the conversation.

A “strategy” of apologizing seems ingenuine. When I apologize, I mean it sincerely. Most people, even children, sense insincerity and feel manipulated and resentful. I suggest stopping that “tactic” immediately.

“Every wrong they feel I have committed”. Perhaps they are assigning motive to your actions that does not line up with how you see yourself? Most of us don’t like someone telling us what we think, in particular when they are mistaken. This is a patterned behavior to address. “I would appreciate it if you would state what you are experiencing rather than what you believe my motives may be or what I am thinking.” Look past this behavior. Ryan is spot on when he suggests examining yourself. Perception is reality – for the person perceiving. If this person genuinely sees you in this light either they are seeing you for who you really are (and you are not) or they are viewing you through a distorted lens. You many learn something about yourself you did not know and determine to make some changes. Either way, any mind-reading needs to stop and you can respectfully set that boundary.

“Every wrong they feel I’ve committed”. Leaving out any mind-reading, you are in a relationship with this person which means you either have to (i.e. work) or want to (personal) remain in relationship with them. When someone feels wronged by me I want to know about it so that I can apologize. Most people are sane and have a grasp on reality. If I did do something worth discussing I do. Then, when possible, I change my behavior. I don’t want to go around hurting others.

“Do things exactly their way” is likely unreasonable. “When you ask me to xyz, I get the impression you are dictating how I should think/feel/behave in order for you to accept me/the outcome of xyz. I am unable to do that because I am not you. I respect you and want to have a positive relationship with you. That means that how I accomplish xyz may differ from how you would accomplish xyz. I believe we have the same goals to do xyz. I need to know that you will respect me and how I do xyz just like I will give you the same respect. Can you do that?

Lastly, if this is about accomplishing yxz by ##/##/## date, follow up in a text or email. It is worth the moment of time it takes to do this. Then if this happens again, you can reference that written record and ask for specifics about what expectation was not met.

I hope that this helps you moving forward with this person and in other relationships. It has helped me.