Laura,

Thanks for your perspective as I share similar experiences. After approaching a colleague in a position of responsibility over me as professionally and politely as I could a few times to foster a productive work environment, this person filed a complaint against me to HR as creating a hostile work environment.

To make a long story shorter, after unsuccesful attempts made by our supervisor, HR mediated with our department.

It was interesting to see how other coworkers also voiced their experiences with this same person. Many coworkers shared how this specific person was the one creating a hostile work environment.

This person became very defensive.

HR, in a professional yet personable manner, asked this person several times to “reflect” on what others were sharing instead of being defensive.

This person stated I was creating an unhealthy environment of competition. Interestingly, during HR’s mediation, this person stated I was confident at what I do, was trusted and had the respect of others.

Unfortunately after many repeated attempts made by my supervisor and HR, this person’s behavior towards me continues. Interestingly, this person has now been promoted officially as my supervisor.

In our first 1:1 meeting the first thing this person tells me is “I am now in charge”.

There’s more to this but suffice it to say while reviewing the stories I tell myself on interactions that needs to be considered, I appreciate your approach and perspective on “Diagnosable’s” query.

Recognizing an individual’s pathology can be valuable as one can know what resources are available and next steps to consider.

While I might be able to manage someone’s quirky behaviors, it is not my job to manage someone’s pathology as doing so is outside my scope of expertise, job description and responsibilities.

Having a level of awareness for someone’s pathology could assist with creating strong and clear boundaries. And can assist in fostering a work relationship that’s realistic for the circumstances needed.

However, as many are aware, no matter how one tries to interpret or look at the adjectives we tell ourself about our experiences with others, there are times when interpersonal relationships are unresolvable (for a variety of reasons), unrealistic and unattainable.

Promoting a healthy work environment is much more challenging to achieve when there’s failure by leadership and especially the work culture.

When organizational leadership does not provide the needed support, it may be time to reconsider whether staying has their merits. A colleague had shared previously their approach to working with similar persons in a position of responsibility— when the reasons to stay are no longer sustainable, that’s when it’s time to leave.

If after repeated attempts for healthy conversation fail, “Diagnosable” might consider weighing the merits of staying in an “abusive” work environment and if leaving to another place can really provide a healthier or desired work environment.

Best wishes to you “Diagnosable”.

I hope you have a community that supports and understands your circumstances and most of all, you can identify what steps to take that works with your circumstances and most fitting for you.

Thank you.

Laura is 100% correct. Narcissistic Personality Disorder…everyone needs to be more familiar with the red flags, survival strategies and coping mechanisms, including leaving the company if it gets to that point.

Hiya, I hear what you’re saying, and I agree.

I also think the reply remains useful, and that your implication that Joseph doesn’t know about narcissism within management a little off-putting, simply because it highlights the assumptions and bias you’ve brought about Joseph and yourself.

(I don’t know Joseph, or even live in the same country, and he can feel however he likes about your comment. I highlight this because your insult/implication says more about you than Joseph, and therefore doesn’t assist in understanding your perspective. )

Now… I did say I agree with you. I know the research. I’ve also experienced the narcissistic boss first hand, which, from your passion, I suspect you also have experienced this behaviour. It can be soul-destroying and I acknowledge that.

Thing is, you highlight the difficulties of power, courage and isolation. Yet what are the options… as different to Joseph’s response? How do you use the crucial conversations learnings to deal with the question posed? You want the writer validated… ok… “well done for writing in”… but the difficulties of courage and isolation, for example, are not best addressed through validation. Maybe those difficulties are addressed through the return of some realisation the writer still has agency in this?

That’s wonderful to hear! I’m so glad to know our work was of use to you.

Good question! He blandly acknowledged his offense. Not an impressive apology. However, he never handled a problem between us like that again and we collaborated a number of times in the future.