Comments on: When Someone Believes “Might is Right”

By: Dave

Dave — Thu, 19 Aug 2021 19:10:07 +0000

I really appreciate how thoughtfully Emily provided this condensed version of the Crucial Conversations principles. For me the people puzzle is the most difficult. In this case I find the situation that Afraid finds herself in very distressing.. I’ve encountered many toxic narcists and covert bullies as work partners. In my discussions with supervisors they labeled the problems as personality conflicts along with their solution for finding balance in a work group. Unfortunately the giving and compromising to create the balance fell on my shoulders. No solutions from management lasted more than a few days because toxic narcists don’t respect boundaries and are seldom held accountable. The only boundary I could apply was to limit my exposure time with these people to essential business needs. Under these circumstances my confidence and self esteem were damaged. In the end, I found myself leaving the job or getting laid off. These situations were life changing for me and not in a good way.

As for the advise Emily provided for Afraid, I agree whole heartedly. If the problem is a personal relationship and safety is a concern, leave the relationship. If it’s related to employment and having a thoughtful open crucial conversation doesn’t provide any resolution, bide your time till you find another employer. Otherwise your life will be damaged.

By: Lingppa Sivakumar

Lingppa Sivakumar — Thu, 19 Aug 2021 01:27:31 +0000

I remember the eye opener just incase if you entered in the crucial conversation to change this person “”Do we treat others in the way we expect others to treat us “”. I am sure this person likes to be very straight forward…only picking negative things and provoke it very strongly in his assumption that he is helping others to improve…But usually it never helps rather it detoriate the relationship and drags the motivation…..What do u think

By: Rachel

Rachel — Wed, 18 Aug 2021 16:47:13 +0000

This is a very thoughtful response; however, it seems to focus on personal rather than professional relationships. I would appreciate some insight on dealing with a relationship with a supervisor. Yes, we could “leave the relationship”, but that involves losing a job that may support our household with income & benefits. How else could we respond when the supervisor holds all the cards & thinks the best way to lead is thru anger.

By: Harley V Blake

Harley V Blake — Wed, 18 Aug 2021 14:38:51 +0000

I really like your summation of the purpose of Crucial Conversations: “If you believe that the purpose of Crucial Conversations is to change other people, to convince them that you are right and they are wrong, to compel them to your way of thinking, then you do not understand Crucial Conversations.” If we enter the conversation from that perspective, we are into the barriers and poor consequences of the “Truth Assumption” as shared in the book “Difficult Conversations.”

Keeping that in mind, and our tendency toward Villain and Victim stories, as people have come to me and share a similar story about a boss (usually not quite at this level of apparent abuse), I help them think through and consider their options. 1. Make a good faith effort to have a conversation about the consequences of their behavior on departmental and personal goals and their team as you describe above. 2. If not responsive and there is no hope of potential change in the abusive behavior that is destroying you and your team’s ability to do your work and a culture of safety, take a few with you and share the see and hear facts and your concerns with the next level up to see if they will address it. 3. If that has been tried or that isn’t an option for other reasons, you can report your concerns of a toxic work environment to HR. 4. Get out.

Getting out is always one of those options, and certainly can be the right one when it comes to safety. In a work situation however, being the optimist that I am and always aiming for restoration and addressing the issue with hopes of helping things change, getting out is the real, but last option I share. If people just bail without addressing it, what are the consequences of that? How much more damage will result to people and to the organization if this behavior is not addressed and people just keep leaving?

By: Shana

Shana — Wed, 18 Aug 2021 14:05:50 +0000

I was startled by the tone of this reply. The content is responsive and provides concrete suggestions. As a longtime subscriber, I found the example regarding how to share consequences quite helpful.
However, the tone was excessively harsh towards the questioner who is potentially in a long term abusive relationship. The second bullet seems particularly accusatory.
Part of crucial conversations for me, is a goal of having conversations that are more open and honest, as well as kind and compassionate. Setting appropriate boundaries doesn’t have to be cruel and can be viewed as compassion to oneself and in the long run, hopefully compassionate to both parties.