A worthy reference is to listen to the 3-part ‘Art of Letting Go’ by Om Swami (an Indian monk), the first part link – https://is.gd/yTNoW6

Jason really appreciate your reply it added to David’s post and helps me especially with the people closest in my life on whom I have the highest expectations. Probably is ignorance and immaturity on malice and evil in their hearts. That really helps me let go. I need to learn more about the “Hanlon Razor” concept you mentioned. Thanks for your addition to this great learning opportunity.

I, for one, enjoyed this, Jason. Thanks for writing it. Interesting and entertaining (in the good sense of the word).

This is excellent advice. It is undeniably true that what we feel is not actually a product of the world, but of our stories about the world that we tell ourselves. Control that story (taking the steps David discusses is but one example to modify your self-talk), and feel at least somewhat better.

But I find the answer unsatisfying – not because it doesn’t provide a “simpler remedy”, but because it deserves more depth on the factors affecting the self-talk that’s driving how one feels. I could do exactly as suggested and not feel any better if my performance expectations are not also calibrated. To feel meaningfully better, “doing something” is indeed necessary, but it is rarely sufficient.

Engaging in action, even very strategically, doesn’t necessarily deal with my expectations around responsibility and performance, which may (or, critically, may not) be quite distorted. To take the extreme example cited, the reason gravity isn’t a stressor to me isn’t because I’m engaged in gravitational mitigation activities; it’s because I don’t believe mitigating it is something I “should” be able to do.

Similarly, I would find it exceptionally difficult to maintain a mental story that “everyone is trying to do their best with what they know and where they are” when I know that to be objectively false. Instead, I can accept that everyone is in a different place, with different tools and experiences, and they may or may not have the capacity (or interest!) to engage as I would prefer—and critically, that’s not necessarily about me. My part is the expectation I place on myself and others, that drives my story and therefore drives my feelings.

I find Hanlon’s Razor (never attribute malice to that which can be adequately explained by more benign factors such as ignorance) can be helpful self-talk, without attributing Pollyanna universal best-intentions to everyone else. The key, I think, is indeed to engage constructively in change where you can and where it aligns with your values, but not without an equally critical self-engagement with your feelings around what “should” be possible by you and others. Work on those distortions, and you at least have a chance at more things “rolling off your shoulders.”

Of course, I am personally successful implementing these insights FAR less than I’d like, which is why it is helpful to type out this response as a reminder. Maybe it’s helped others too; if not, I apologize for the lengthy response and do very much appreciate David’s original post!

Thank you for the helpful insights on how to get by this and let it go. I’ll try them out.