He did not blame he encouraged introspection and careful examination of each persons role in the situation. After years of working with individuals in difficulty one of the hardest lessons to teach is self control is you major power then appropriate boundary setting. I believe both of these were at least alluded to. The other comments mentioning the need for professional support are very appropriate. Often frustrated individuals work to fix blame instead of the problem. The person asking the question is very frustrated. Counseling to look wider and deeper is very important first step.

This is a great response. Communication, respect & realistic expectations

Thanks for sharing, Shannon.

Thanks for the feedback, Judith. This is helpful. VitalSmarts is not moving to what you suggest. What you have is someone ever learning, and I think you’re right: we can do better. Thanks for keeping us on point.

When I first encountered VitalSmarts training, I was astonished, as it was the first time in my corporate career to experience nontechnical training that I could actually use, quite a contrast to the usual vague “feel good” or “feel scolded” charm school sessions that were the norm, which would leave me without a single tool to implement the insights gained, to address very real issues.

The “crucial conversations” training modeled statements I could make, questions I could ask, when to be quiet and listen, how to set up one-on-one meetings, how to use deadlines and written “contracts” – a host of very specific behaviors I could adopt. (One of my aha moments was realizing that these were the very techniques that my socially astute boss used effortlessly, and which helped make our partnership of diverse skill sets so successful.) What was effortless for her required study and preparation on my part. And VitalSmarts gave me specific behavioral tools to use.

Manipulated Mom has a very real problem and deserves better than the lame “thoughts & prayers” advice to think about the toxic relationship. A friend of mine had a very similar problem several years ago, and managed to resolve it while preserving and strengthening her relationship with her daughter, but it took a lot more specific behavioral techniques than the advice offered here.

Is VitalSmarts moving away from its behavioral roots? I hope this is not a sign that VitalSmarts is lapsing into the useless “thoughts & prayers” and “cook until done” advice that is the staple of most nontechnical corporate training.

Thumbs up for this. I like your rationality at working towards a solution that works for everybody and no one ends up feeling used.