I recently read Joseph Grenny’s HBR article about being resilient in the face of harsh criticism. His insight was this: look for the grain of truth in feedback and you’ll increase your resiliency. Well, what if there isn’t a “grain of truth?” What if it isn’t feedback, but bullying? Bullies are adept at finding real or perceived weakness in others and exploiting it. In this case, it is not the “weakness” that is the problem, and searching for a “grain of truth” would empower the bully. What is the best way to deal with this?

Signed,
Grainless

Dear Grainless,

I could spend some time qualifying my response to your question by advising care in concluding someone’s entire intent is bullying. But I won’t. I will assume that you are 100% correct. The person we are considering has no legitimate concern, but rather is either fabricating or exploiting a weakness for the sole purpose of self-gratification. What next?

The first crucial question is “What do you really want?” If all you want is safety, you have two options:

Enforce your rights. First and foremost, if you feel physically or emotionally unsafe, you have rights and should demand them. Report abusive behavior to HR, or seek legal assistance.

Create distance. If needed, separate yourself from them in your current job, or find other employment. If you fail to take steps like these, you risk enabling the behavior and becoming accustomed to abuse—something that damages your mental health and well being.

If, on the other hand, you are not in immediate physical or emotional danger, and you want to continue in the work situation you’re in, you must in some way set and enforce boundaries.

You gain power over subtle bullying when you can describe it precisely. This can take work, but you can’t have a conversation if you can’t specify the problem. Let’s say that during meetings with peers (when the boss isn’t watching) this person resorts to name calling or raising their voice. Step one in setting a boundary is confronting the specific behavior. In Crucial Conversation we refer to this as “holding the right conversation.” Stop discussion of whatever issue is on the table and change the subject to the “process” issue. Stop talking about the “what” (the solution you’re debating), and shift to “how” the conversation is proceeding.

For example, you present a proposal and this person sneers and mutters, “where do you get this crap?” Stop the conversation immediately and say, “Before we move on with the discussion, I want to address what just happened. I presented my idea, and you said, “Where do you get this crap?” Did I hear that right?”

Your job in this conversation is to set a clear boundary. After confirming or disconfirming what they said, continue with, “I am fine hearing any criticism of any idea I have. Point out flaws all day long. But calling my ideas ‘crap’ is disrespectful to me. It’s not okay with me for you to simply insult either me or my ideas. Can I have your commitment to respect that?”

Be prepared for them to either resist making a commitment or to test the boundary again. If they resist, let them know what you’ll do to secure your right to respectful behavior. For example, if they say, “The problem here is that you’re weak and thin-skinned. This is how adults talk.” You can respond with, “I’ve explained what I expect. If that’s not something you can commit to, I’ll check with HR (or the boss) to see if I’m out of bounds in my expectation.”

In they test the boundary, or lapse in honoring it, the first time it happens, you must address it: “A couple of weeks ago you committed that you would never use insulting language toward me. You just called my idea BS. That’s a violation of your commitment.” Ask for them to reconfirm their commitment, then add, “It’s not my job to police your agreement. If you fail to keep it again, I’ll move to other alternatives.

Admittedly, setting and enforcing boundaries puts a lot on you. So I remind you, if what you really want is just to secure your right to dignified treatment, the first two suggestions are reasonable. If what you really want (and feel safe doing) is to handle the problem between you, it will have to take some form of setting and enforcing boundaries.

Nothing I’ve offered makes for easy answers, but in a world of flawed people, I hope this gives you a way of thinking about your options.

Sincerely,
Joseph

The post How to Respond to a Workplace Bully appeared first on Crucial Learning.

For the past several months I’ve been working on a project in collaboration with a director from another department. A chief of staff has expressed concern about why it’s taking so long and has inserted herself into the process. She’s trying to help, but her way of managing the situation is to communicate with me and the director separately via email. Once I realized this, I responded to her and copied the director so we’d all be on the same page. In her NEXT email, the chief of staff indicated she had again communicated with us separately. I’m flummoxed about how to address this. How do I let the chief of staff know that splitting communications results in lack of shared understanding, a sense of powerlessness, and decreased collaboration and unity, even though it may be efficient for her to complete tasks?

Signed,
Left Out

Dear Left Out,

You have found yourself in a classic quandary of show versus tell. You have a concern with chief of staff’s behavior. In a respectful, subtle, unobtrusive way, you have attempted to show her a better way of communicating (“See how I copied in the director on this message? That’s the way we should communicate, hint, hint!”). But dang it all, she didn’t get it, and nothing has changed.

George Bernard Shaw said, “The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.” Too often we think we have communicated—we’ve hinted, implied, nudged, jested, or gestured. Surely the other person understands us! Thus, when they don’t respond, change, or agree, we become alternatively flummoxed (how can they be so ignorant?) or frustrated (how can they be so obstinate?).

You ask how you should address this. The answer is straightforward—have a candid and respectful conversation. It’s time to move from showing (“hint, hint”) to telling (“let’s talk about what is happening here”).

While the what is simple, the how can seem complex. Here are three tips for how to hold a candid and respectful conversation when someone’s behavior is impacting you.

Be Clear

No more beating around the bush. You need to explicitly articulate two things: what you want to talk about (her pattern of communicating individually rather than collectively) and why you want to talk about it (your positive intent to create a collaborative team for the good of this project and future projects). Being clear about the first helps the chief of staff understand exactly what your concern is and respond to it. Being clear about the second helps build the psychological safety that every conversation needs.

It might sound like:

“I’d like to talk about a communication pattern I have noticed that I think might be getting in the way of our collaboration and maybe even our performance. I know this project is important to both of us and we are invested in its success. I often find it more helpful if we can all communicate on the same message threads so that we are operating with the same information and a shared understanding. I have noticed that you have sent several emails either to me or my director individually.”

Be Curious

This is where most of us fall short in our conversations. We come in with a conclusion firmly fixed (yours seems to be that splitting communication is a bad approach leading to all manner of negative outcomes). Our goal in the conversation then is to tell the other person why we are right, and they are wrong. Yet we know from hard experience that those conversations never go well.

I would suggest that this is not a “I am right; you are wrong” conversation. This should be a conversation about “How can we best work together to accomplish our shared goals?” You have a way of working and communicating that you are confident will help you accomplish the goal. Presumably, the chief of staff is equally confident that her way of working will accomplish the goal. Yet how can that be when you have totally different ways of doing it? One of you must be wrong, right?

In theory, we know that there can be a range of effective approaches to the same situation. In practice, we struggle to see beyond our own proven approach. One way to see beyond yourself is to ask: why would a reasonable, rationale, decent chief of staff communicate this way?

The answer to this question may well lie in the motives and values that drive her. As Elias Porter explained in his relationship awareness theory, each of us is driven by different motives to achieve a sense of self-worth. People can gain a sense of self-worth through achieving results (performance), developing others (people), or analyzing and understanding problems (process), or a combination of these. We often choose behaviors or ways of engaging with others that are in line with these core motives. When people have different core motives, they choose different behaviors, even when trying to accomplish the same thing.

Curiosity leads us to ask: “I wonder why she is doing this? What does this way of communicating do for her? How does it satisfy her needs?”

Bring that curiosity with you to the conversation. Once you clearly share the what and why of the conversation, show that you care as much about her perspective as your own by asking for understanding.

Asking can be as simple as:

“I am curious about your approach. What does it help you accomplish?”

Be Creative

As with many conversations, you are starting from a point of “my way vs your way.” If we aren’t careful, we can become constrained by this narrow, binary view of the problem and assume that the solution will be one of the two starting options—my way or your way. Instead, bring a spirit of creativity to the conversation. Once you understand what each of you wants, step back and consider, “Are there different options for meeting our goals? What would that look like?”

Test your ideas out. Suggest a trial run of a new way of doing things. Neither of you needs to commit to a change forever. Simply be willing to try something new and check in to see how the test is going.

In your conversation, this might sound like:

“What if we tried a ten-minute huddle each morning to share info and align? We could do it for two weeks and then decide whether that approach is working.”

Relationships Outlive Projects

One last thing to remember as you step up to this Crucial Conversation: relationships are built on the accumulation of our interactions. This project is important. I get that. But my guess is that you, your director, and the chief of staff will all be working together after this project is done. Look at this conversation as a chance to both move this project forward and build a stronger working relationship for future projects.

Good luck,
Emily

PS. If you’d like to learn more about Elias Porter’s work around our motivational value systems and how they drive our behavior and impact our relationships, check out CoreStrengths.com.

The post Confronting the Chief of Staff appeared first on Crucial Learning.

I am a very direct individual. I struggle to work with anyone who is not direct, who is conflict-avoidant, and who does not speak up to ensure we work together effectively. Trying to make it safe for people like this feels like coddling and a waste of time. I think it’s good to learn skills to speak up, but I don’t see the benefit in placating to people who are insecure or introverted or both. Am I missing something?

Signed,
Direct

Dear Direct,

It depends on what you want. It may be true that it’s more efficient in the moment to be “very direct” and not try to make it safe for everyone to share their perspective, but virtually all the research in interpersonal communication suggests that kind of approach can be inefficient in the long run.

If you’re not communicating in a way the invites others into the conversation, the result may be tacit agreement in the moment, then later gossip, complaining, distrust, lack of engagement, and a host of other organizational illnesses that kill your culture. The dialogue skills we teach are much like any other good habit: they require effort, but they lead to better outcomes.

I’m not trying to persuade you. I’m simply sharing what the research shows. Maybe you want to conduct your own experiment and see if anything changes. Here are some tweaks to consider trying.

Examine Your View of Honesty

I get the sense that you think your approach is not a problem, but I want to challenge that assumption. I realize it can be easier to say exactly what you’re thinking and feeling instead of filtering your thoughts and comments, but reflecting on the impact of your directness may make you that much more effective. The good news is you don’t have to sacrifice honesty for another person’s feelings. You can keep both in view.

People often think honesty and respect are on a continuum—with respect on one end and honesty on the other. We assume we need to choose one or the other in our crucial interactions.

Here is what we know from studying such interactions for the last 30 years: the best don’t view honesty and respect as opposites. The best focus on communicating with 100% honesty and 100% respect.

So, the question I invite you to reflect on is this: Is your directness also respectful? Or is there the chance you sometimes sacrifice respect in your effort to be direct?

The Myth of “Brutal Honesty”

I’m not sure if this is accurate, but I worry that your “directness” may not be as respectful as you think. I think it’s important to note that being direct has nothing to do with being angry, hurtful, mean, or with “letting off steam.”

I’ve worked with dozens of people who say, “Justin, I’m just brutally honest—it’s just my personality.” I worry that these people care more about being brutal than about being honest. Being honest and direct is about being clear, specific, sincere, and authentic. So, you don’t have to be rude or short to be direct. You do need to state the observable facts of the situation and your perspective about those facts.

It’s dishonest to express our opinions as facts, which is what we often do in crucial moments. Conversely, it’s honest to recognize and make it clear that our opinions are just that—opinions. It’s also honest to recognize that more than one opinion exists and that other perspectives may be more accurate than ours. And those are facts. The model I use for starting even the toughest conversations is this:

• Share your facts
• Tell your story (opinion)
• Ask for others’ perspectives

Being “direct,” as you state, is fine so long as it’s not filled with a raised voice, labels, or overstated opinions. Directness contributes to the discussion when it’s filled with facts, observations, and opinions shared as opinions.

Lift Others, Don’t Placate to Them

The people who you think are not being direct may be so pre-occupied with their need to be nice that they are too light on honesty. But it also may be true that they don’t feel safe to speak up because of how direct you are. Most leaders I know who have this habit aren’t aware they have it. They see themselves as bold defenders of truth, while everyone else sees them as overbearing steamrollers.

There’s a hilarious episode of The Office where the uber-confident salesperson Robert California tells Jim, who is reticent to speak openly, that “The fallacy is that [psychological safety] is up to the steamroller. [In truth] it is up to the object whether it will be flattened or not.”

Wow! The implication is that it’s up to others to stand up to the person doing the steamrolling.

While it’s true that we are responsible for our own sense of psychological safety, it’s also true that when we feel threatened or disrespected, our tendency is to fight, flee, or freeze. Not taking responsibility for safety in a dialogue would be like not taking responsibility for safety on a tandem bicycle. If even one person doesn’t care about the safety of everyone involved, it can lead to disastrous results.

So, you can make it easier for people to speak up by asking for their opinions before expressing yours. And then when it’s time to talk, don’t overstate your opinions. Start with observable facts, then share your interpretation of the facts, then invite others to respond.

Justin

The post Why Should I Cater to People Who are Afraid to Speak Their Mind? appeared first on Crucial Learning.

My 80-year-old dad is experiencing cognitive decline, has had eye surgery on both eyes, and is deaf. One of my siblings says that my dad is a “terrifying” driver. But no one in the family is doing anything about it, probably because they’re all busy raising families. How can I talk to them about my dad’s driving? And how can we talk to our dad, who will not take lightly his car keys being taken by his children?

Signed,
Concerned

Dear Concerned,

I am sorry to hear about your father. It’s never fun to watch your parents age and decline in their abilities. Your concern for his driving is appropriate, as is your concern for how he will respond to the conversation. No one wants to admit, let alone experience, limitations that come due to aging.

This is a conversation that many people will face with their parents. While for your dad it’s his vision and hearing, for others it could be medical conditions that impair their abilities. Regardless of the limitations, the challenge a child faces is convincing a parent that they are now placing themselves and the public at risk.

My guess is your father, while aware that he’s no longer as keen as he once was, probably feels that he’s still capable. In addition, he may see surrendering his keys as the end of the life he’s always known. Lost is the ability to visit others, or go to the store, or even go out to eat. You see driving as a danger. He sees not driving as a loss of freedom.

So how do you bridge the gap? How do you help him understand that in his current state he shouldn’t be driving? The potential is for you to argue your concerns and for him to argue his counterpoints. That accomplishes nothing and may damage your relationship.

It sounds like your siblings agree and have the same concerns about your father’s driving. It may make sense to have a unified front and to visit with your father together. If that’s not possible, this may be something you have to do on your own, representing the family.

The real question is how do you make your father’s surrender of his car keys his idea? Or, at the very least, something he agrees to do? Here are some suggestions to help you in this quest:

Focus on what you really want. As you speak to your father, begin by letting him know that you’d like to talk to him about his driving and some of your concerns. Share your good intent. One of the best ways of doing so is by contrasting what you do want with what you don’t want. You feel it’s time for him to stop driving, but you don’t want him to feel like he’s losing his freedom or mobility. You actually want to allow his mobility without the potential risks of his driving,

Use facts to explain your concerns. While you and your siblings may feel as if your father’s driving is “terrifying,” explaining that to your dad will trigger a defensive response as he digs in and defends his stance. What makes his driving “terrifying?” Share the facts of your father’s dangerous encounters while driving. Begin with his most recent and add others that support your concerns.

Invite him to share. The key is to engage in dialogue rather than a monologue of you telling him it’s time to turn in his keys. Remember the goal is to help him to decide to do so. After sharing your facts (what you’ve noticed) and your concerns (why it matters), ask him to share his perspective. Inviting him to participate in the conversation will help him feel included in the final decision.

Seek a mutual purpose. Avoid too much focus on the dangers of his horrible driving and that he needs to stop driving. Instead, focus on finding a solution that makes doing so acceptable in his eyes. A mutual purpose is a win-win for both you and your father. Explain you want to find a solution that allows him the flexibility and freedom he seeks, while at the same time avoids the potential dangers of him driving with his limited vision, hearing, and cognitive decline.

Come prepared with suggestions. It may be helpful to do some homework before approaching your father. Look into the options available that will help your father maintain his freedom as well as allow him to stay connected with others and do the things he wants to do. Maybe you can teach your father how to use rideshare services like Uber or Lyft. Doing so will help establish your intent that giving up the car keys doesn’t mean giving up on life. This may improve the likelihood of your father making a smooth transition.

Best of luck to you as you approach this difficult conversation.

If you’ve had experiences delivering difficult news to an aging parent, please add any insights you have learned in the comments.

Sincerely,
Scott

The post How to Confront an Aging Parent about Their Driving appeared first on Crucial Learning.

How can I find the strength to say what I need to say when someone does me wrong? I struggle to tell people when I’m bothered because I believe I will get in a heated argument with them and get lost for words. Sometimes my dad raises his voice at me and I just keep quiet. Sometimes a colleague will speak to me in a threatening voice and I say nothing. Sometimes someone makes my child cry and I still say nothing, and so on. These often feel like life-or-death situations, and afterward I blame myself for being weak. Sometimes I so badly regret not speaking up that I can’t even sleep at night, playing over and over in my head what I should have said. What can I do?

Signed,
Timid

Dear Timid,

When you say you lack “strength” to speak up, what I hear is you lack confidence. One way to increase confidence is to develop skills. As your ability to do a behavior increases, your confidence to do it also increases.

The other way to increase confidence is to address your thinking. Are there beliefs or attitudes contributing to your lack of confidence? Unless your thinking changes, your behavior is unlikely to shift by much, whether you practice new behaviors or not.

So, let’s start there.

Instead of playing over and over in your head what you wish you would have said, examine why you find yourself in this pattern of behavior.

In Crucial Conversations we teach a concept called Master My Stories. The premise is this: the stories we tell ourselves shape our interpretation of events and our behavior. While we teach this concept as it relates to moments of conflict, it can be applied much more broadly.

Another word for story is belief. I suspect that your lack of “strength” to speak up for yourself is not merely the result of not knowing what to say. It is likely grounded in beliefs and perspectives that have been formed during your life and run years deep. They are embodied and have been shaped by your experiences. What are they?

Perhaps you’ve spoken up in the past only to make matters worse. Maybe those attempts have damaged your relationships or reputation. Perhaps you’ve determined that no one will listen to or care about what you have to say. Whatever it is, somewhere along the way you’ve come to the conclusion, consciously or not, that it’s better to remain silent than to speak up for yourself.

Uncovering the underlying premises does not mean you will be able to immediately shake them off. Changing our perspectives often entails years of work. Awareness is simply the first step. Based on my reading of your question, this is where I recommend you begin.

As you work to uncover your beliefs, I invite you to replace them with this belief: you are a source of power and responsibility in the world.

If you aren’t already familiar with it, all our work is rooted in this idea. Each of our courses and books teaches a framework that invites us to see ourselves as agents in a world where it is tempting to believe we aren’t. This framework places power and responsibility in ourselves.

Why is this important? It is my experience that patterns of self-defeating or destructive behavior have their root in beliefs that either (1) ignore our power of agency or (2) justify efforts to avoid taking responsibility for it.

Now, you may not be convinced of that. That’s ok. I know many who see what I’ve just outlined as objectively true, as in capital-T truth, and I’m sure there are those who think it false. I, on the other hand, am agnostic. Maybe it’s true, and maybe it’s a useful story.

But if it’s a story, then, like other stories, it has power to shape our interpretations of events and our behavior. In other words, to some degree our capacity to change our behaviors and outcomes depends on the belief that we can do so.

Consider that as you search yourself for self-limiting beliefs. You must develop the feeling that, somewhere and somehow, you have a perspective worth sharing.

Next, what can you say?

I feel that what I’m about to suggest is grossly inadequate. There are likely dozens of steps you can and probably should take on the road to confidence to stand up for yourself, but I hope this gives you a starting point: affirm and preserve your sense of self-worth.

To affirm your sense of self-worth, just say no. “You can’t talk to me like that.” “No.” “You can’t disrespect me.” “I won’t listen to this.” Find an expression that allows you to calmly but surely affirm you will not tolerate being disrespected.

To preserve your sense of self-worth, leave. Excuse yourself. Get to another room, a friend’s house, another colleague’s office. State your affirmation, then say, “Excuse me.” And go.

Please don’t take these suggestions as a copout or a sign of weakness. In the words of Albert Camus, “Saying no does not mean giving up. It also means saying yes, with every gesture.” Say yes to yourself.

Finally, I’ve responded to your question on the assumption that you’re not in danger but have developed a habit of allowing others to disrespect and disregard you. If it’s worse than that—if you are being bullied—I urge you to seek safety and professional help.

And don’t stop here. I’ve shared what I have as a starting point only. Continue to learn and work on your ability to speak up. In addition to our books and courses, you’ll find across our website dozens of free videos, articles, and webinars that can help you on your journey.

Good luck,
Ryan

This article was edited by the author March 7, 2024 to clarify a point about the power of the stories we tell ourselves.

The post How to Stand Up for Yourself appeared first on Crucial Learning.

My niece recently turned 18 and is planning to schedule an elective double mastectomy. For the past few years she has identified as non-binary, then she legally changed her name, and more recently she has started taking estrogen blockers that make her voice low. Her dad and mom think that she’s brave and strong. My mom is 100% supportive. I think they’re all insane, and I’ve told them perhaps she’s just confused and that maybe we should encourage her to postpone having body parts surgically removed. They think I’m being intolerant and unsupportive. I haven’t shared my concerns with my niece, but I think I need to try to stop her. Should I keep my mouth shut and watch from the sidelines, or tell her what I really think? If so, how?

Signed,
Opposed

Dear Opposed,

Conversations don’t get much more crucial than this. There are differing opinions, very strong emotions, and the stakes are incredibly high (family relationships, mental health and well-being, lasting medical interventions). Variations of this conversation are happening in families, doctors’ offices, communities, schools, and legislatures across the country. Often, the conversations are divisive and painful, leaving people emotionally battered, bruised, and deeply disconnected from one another.

Nowhere is this more true than in our family conversations. Families are where we learn so much about who we are, what we value, how to connect with and see others, how to love and support people, and how to hold boundaries. For most of us, families are where the toughest Crucial Conversations of our lives take place because this is where the stakes are highest, and the relationships mean the most.

While your question is specific in nature, it can also be broadly applied. At the heart of your question seems to be this: Someone I care about is doing something I think is wrong, hurtful, destructive, or dangerous. What should I do?

The two questions you are asking are the right questions:

• Should I have a conversation?
• If so, how do I have it well?

Too often, people bypass the first question. They have an opinion, a perspective, or a concern about something or someone and jump right into the fray, presuming that their meaning is obviously needed in the discussion. But simply having an opinion, especially an opinion about what another adult should do with their life, does not mean you should express that opinion.

As you consider whether to raise your concerns, ask yourself:

Has this person asked for my opinion? I have learned that, especially with teens and young adults, my influence is greatest when they approach me seeking counsel. This happens when they are secure in our relationship, and they know that I deeply care for and about them. When they feel safe with me, they will be more likely to ask for my opinion when they have a hard decision to make.

Do I have a relationship with this person? Do I have standing to have this conversation? Managers at work have clear standing to talk with employees about concerning behaviors. Parents have the same clear standing to talk with their children about behavior. Outside of specific structural relationships like these, the lines get more ambiguous. Close friend? Yes. Person sitting next to you on the bus? No.

What is my goal—to have a conversation or tell someone why I think they are wrong? From painful experience, I can tell you with certainty that when your goal is to convince someone that you are right and they are wrong, the conversation will not go well. When my primary purpose is to convince others of the error of their ways, I become a preacher giving a sermon, not a friend having a conversation. If I am to truly have a conversation, my goal must be to listen, learn, and love.

Is the behavior a threat to themselves or others? Is it unambiguously harmful? Of course, you should speak up if your niece threatened harm to self or others, especially in an urgent situation. But this situation seems neither urgent nor unambiguously harmful. My guess is that you would argue that yes, your niece is about to engage in harmful, self-destructive behavior. You are not alone in that opinion. However, there are also reasonable, rational, educated people (including, presumably, your niece’s parents and your mother) who would argue just the opposite—that taking hormones and having surgery is not harmful but affirming, and that greater harm would be done by withholding medical treatment. This, then, is not a case of unambiguous harm.

Only you can answer these questions for your situation. While it seems clear from your question that you are deeply concerned about your niece’s choice to have surgery, there is little in your question to suggest that you are deeply concerned about your niece. If that is the case, and your goal in the conversation is to tell your niece what you think and why you are right, I can’t imagine the conversation will go well.

For a moment, though, let’s assume I got it all wrong. You deeply care about your niece as a full and complete human being. You have a strong and loving relationship. In fact, your niece has asked for your opinion. How can you hold this conversation with care and candor? Here are three tips:

Have and share your good intent. Before engaging in a Crucial Conversation, it is essential to get clear on what it is you want. Ask yourself: What do I really want? For me? For them? For the relationship? If your answers to these questions are “for the other person to hear my concerns and see the error of their ways,” keeping asking. Sometimes it can be more helpful to ask them in the reverse order: What do I want for this relationship? What do I want for the other person? Note that the preposition there is “for” not “from.” We are often well aware of what we want from someone else (we want them to listen, to agree, to change) but much less aware of what we want for that person. Once you have tapped into a good intent that is grounded in respect for self and others, share it. Start by expressing your love for your niece. Make it clear that nothing will change that love. Demonstrate your respect for your niece’s autonomy. This might sound like:

“I love you and I always will. I want the very best for you. I am so grateful to be a part of your life, especially as you are becoming an adult.”

Ask about and listen to your niece’s experience. Let understanding be your agenda. Listen for the truth in what is shared. Listen with empathy. Use phrases like “tell me more about that” and “how has that felt”. Consider stopping the conversation there, with a sincere expression of gratitude that your niece was generous in sharing her experiences. This will give you time to sincerely reflect on what you have learned from listening.

Ask whether your niece would like to hear your opinion. You might say, “I have some different thoughts about this, different from your parents and doctors. Do you want to hear them?” If the answer is no, respect that. If the answer is yes, reaffirm your good intent, start tentatively, and check in frequently. That might sound like:

“I am sharing this with you because I love you and I want you to be able to consider lots of different perspectives and information before deciding. And, if at any point, you change your mind and don’t want to hear my opinion anymore, just say so and I will stop.”

Crucial Conversations are hard. No conversational skill, technique, or phrase can make them easy. What makes them go well is to care more about the person than the problem, to always see the individual before the issue.

Emily

The post Discussing Gender Transition appeared first on Crucial Learning.

What is the best way to respond to someone who has the habit of dominating conversations? My colleague will not let me finish my sentences, interrupts with an opinion or comment, talks at great length, and often repeats what she already said. I feel hostage to her while she hogs the airwaves. What can I do?

Signed,
Talked Over

Dear Talked Over,

There’s no way around this other than through it. Either you need to let go of your need for conversational equity (or even airtime!), or you’ll need to have a conversation about your conversations.

The biggest key to a productive outcome in situations like this is to talk sooner rather than later. If you wait until you’ve built resentments about their pattern, your judgments will leak into the conversation and provoke defensiveness. If you’re already past the point of feeling resentful, my first suggestion is that you change your story about what’s been happening. Rather than feeling a “victim of their insensitivity” I suggest you swallow hard and accept that the reason for the pattern is not just their insensitivity, but your passivity. The first time someone hogs all the airtime, it’s their fault. But the tenth time it happens, you’re complicit.

For years I had a friend I’ll call Paul, who was a brilliant legal scholar and who had had a very storied career. I loved talking with him, but he lacked any sensitivity to subtle cues that I wanted to end the conversation. He could go on a fascinating monologue for an hour without noticing that I had said nothing. And when I told him it was time for me to go he would continue talking without taking a breath. Over time I began to avoid him in our neighborhood. I’d panic when I’d see him because I knew once he got rolling there would be no stopping. When my avoidance failed and I was trapped into a conversation, I’d feel resentful and judgmental toward him.

All that changed when I started to tell myself this truth: Resentment is often a sign I’m not setting and maintaining boundaries.

It took a while to let go of the righteous indignation I felt about him, and to start feeling remorse for the sniping I enjoyed while complaining about him to my wife. Once I accepted my responsibility for the judgments I carried, I was able to see him again for who he really was: a brilliant, fascinating, tender, and imperfect human being.

The next time I saw him, I had the conversation I recommend to you. First, I started with safety. Given that this could be a sensitive conversation, I tried to frame it in a way that clarified my loving intentions.

As Paul took a breath to begin an extended monologue, I interrupted him firmly. “Paul,” I said, “Before you continue, I’ve got something I want to let you know. I love our conversations. I love you. And I want to continue to connect with you like this. And there’s something I’ve noticed that gets in the way of the conversation working for me. In fact, I’m embarrassed to admit that I’ve been dodging you sometimes because I was too much of a coward to address this. I’d like to share what’s not working so I’ll feel completely engaged when we talk. Okay?”

He nodded.

I went on to tell him honestly what wasn’t working. I negotiated with him a way of managing my own time boundaries when he was on a tear. The truth is he was 93 years old and wasn’t likely to reform his conversational style based on this conversation. So it was my responsibility to let him know how I’d handle it when I was ready to leave.

Your situation is likely different, but my advice is the same: you need to negotiate what you’ll do when you want more space in the conversation with your colleague. You might ask them what kind of cue you can offer to let them know you’re looking for an onramp. For example, you might say, “Will it work for you if I make a T with my hands, or hold up a single finger, or something like that?”

I tried multiple methods with Paul but in the end had to simply walk away and leave him talking. I would tell him when I had 10 minutes left, 5 minutes left, and 1 minute left. The cues made no difference in his velocity. The first time I said, “Goodbye Paul, see you soon” and left I felt both awkward and liberated. I stopped making him responsible for my needs and took that duty back. He never begrudged me for doing that and we had a wonderful friendship until he died a few years later.

Liberate yourself from judgment, take responsibility for your own needs, and there may be hope for a productive relationship.

Sincerely,
Joseph

The post Talking with Someone Who Always Dominates the Conversation appeared first on Crucial Learning.

A few years ago I was promoted to leadership while my senior colleague who also wanted the role was not. Since then, our relationship has deteriorated. He has said he feels personally attacked by direction I’ve given the team. I have tried to make it safe, contrast, state my path, start with heart, but to no avail. I’ve even given him small tokens of appreciation—a treat or a gift card—but he won’t acknowledge my efforts to rebuild trust or communicate with me. I’ve been through your communication courses and received communication coaching, and I regularly seek feedback from my peers and leaders, and they say they feel safe to communicate openly with me. My manager and VP have said he has a personal issue with me, but none of us has been able to get him to open up. How can I “Make It Safe” for someone who clearly doesn’t feel safe?

Signed,
Olive Branch

Dear Olive Branch,

Kudos. It sounds like you have gone to great lengths to mend the strain in your relationship and communicate openly and respectfully. That alone should bring you some comfort, for while we all hope the Crucial Conversations skills will lead to better results in such moments—and they usually do—there is nothing you can do that will guarantee another responds in kind. When they don’t, we are left to take comfort in having acted with courage and respect.

That’s not to say you are out of options. Here are a few ideas that occurred to me while thinking about your question.

First, apologize. Please forgive this point if you have already done so. I assume there’s a good chance you have, yet you don’t mention it in your question. You say you have been kind, that you’ve tried to explain where you’re coming from, clear up confusion, and so forth, but nowhere do you state you have made a sincere apology.

You might be wondering why you should apologize when you intended no harm. I have often wondered the same thing, and it wasn’t until recently, after unintentionally hurting someone I deeply care about, that I learned an apology—not an explanation—is often necessary to assuage unintentional hurt or offense.

If you unintentionally step on someone’s toes—and I mean literally, not metaphorically—you apologize. If you accidentally bump into a stranger, you apologize. If you nearly clip a pedestrian with your Buick while looking left instead of right, you apologize profusely.

Sometimes we apologize to admit wrongdoing, and sometimes we apologize to express empathy. If you haven’t done the latter, I’d try it. You might say, “I hope you know I didn’t mean any offense when I accepted this position. I’m really sorry the outcome has been hard for you, and I sympathize. I never meant to hurt you, and I’m sorry if I have.”

Remember that a sincere apology will be more important than what you say.

Second, try CPR. Again, I could be wrong, but what I glean from your question is that you have been kind, you’ve tried to clear up misunderstanding, and you’ve sought feedback on your communication skills, all of which is important but none of which gets at the heart of the matter, which appears to be this: resentment.

Resentment is a relationship issue, and that is what you need to discuss. I know this is a much harder conversation, but it may be you have done everything right except confront the elephant in the room.

It has been said that resentment is a kind of poison, and certainly it becomes a self-defeating form of pettiness when wallowed in, but resentment can also be a kind of balm, bringing one healing and protection on the way to acceptance and forgiveness. Medicine and poison are separated only by shades of gray.

Whether your colleague is beyond the palliative phase of resentment and into the toxic phase is anyone’s guess. You may find out if you bring it up. More important, you may find out why he feels resentful, which would give way to open discussion.

Third, be direct. What we don’t talk out, we act out. Your colleague’s behavior is a symptom of what he has so far refused to express, and given the duration of his silence, I’m inclined to think it’s deep-seated. The right opener—even a confrontational one—may be the way to break through.

I’m not advocating aggression or disrespect. I’m simply saying that, in my experience, when feelings are buried deep, an invitation to talk isn’t enough. A courageous confrontation, on the other hand, can bring everything to the surface.

What does that look like?

Well, when I’ve done it with people I care about, and when others have cared enough to be so bold with me, it looks like getting cornered in a room alone at the right time and feels like “I care about you too damn much to let this go on, and I’m not leaving until we talk it out.”

Should you take this approach? I’m not sure. What’s at stake? What do you want long term? Is the relationship worth it? There are good reasons why you might not. There are good reasons why you might. It’s up to you.

Good luck,
Ryan

The post What Can You Do When Someone Won’t Forgive You? appeared first on Crucial Learning.

I have a coworker that I just can’t stand. He is good at his job, but I struggle to get along with him because he is so opinionated and narrow-minded. He has an opinion about everything and can’t fathom any other viewpoint. I’d rather go to the dentist than be in a meeting with him. What am I supposed to do? Should I have a conversation with him about it or just let it go?

Signed,
Exasperated

Dear Exasperated,

I’m sorry you have to deal with this. We’ve all been there and it’s no fun. I want to give you some possible solutions and challenge some of your assumptions.

As I see it, here are your options.

Change your view. If you enjoy your work and are happy with it aside from your interactions with this person, it might be best to change your view of him, even just a little. Let me ask you: has anyone ever given you feedback that you were narrowminded or strong-willed or too wedded to your opinions? Think hard. Maybe a friend, a spouse, a neighbor, a family member. The truth is that the person you are describing is ALL of us, at least sometimes. And he’s some of us ALL the time.

Change yourself. What are some things you can do to model the behaviors you want to see in this coworker? Are you doing anything to enable the behaviors you despise? We often don’t see how we are contributing to our own pain.

Change the person. I don’t really mean “change” him, but influence him with dialogue. You might say something like this: “Hey, Gary. I wanted to chat with you about something that’s getting in the way of us working well together. And that’s important to me. There’s a pattern that looks like this: you and I disagree. I share my opinion. You cut me off with your opinion. You don’t ask me questions about what I think but continue to advocate your side. For example, in the last four budget meetings, you haven’t changed your stance once from your initial position. This comes off like you’re not open to other views. What are your thoughts on these situations?”

Change your situation. Maybe you should consider working somewhere else (or with different people in your organization). I don’t mean to be insensitive, but depending on the degree of frustration you’re feeling, it’s helpful to know this is an option. I’m not saying it’s easy or that you should do it, but that you should try to keep the most proactive attitude you can. If you don’t like the situation and can’t change it, maybe it’s time to leave it.

Gossip and Stew. This is the option that most people choose. They endlessly complain about this frustrating coworker. They make subtle, but sarcastic comments in meetings. They stew in silence. They vent to the boss. And on and on. It’s an option. 🙂

I’ve come to the conclusion that we all have to interact with people in our lives who annoy us. For some of us it’s coworkers, others it’s a neighbor, and for some it’s family. Either way, be honest about your options. Don’t paint yourself as a victim, because that just leaves you stuck in the same place. Consider your options and decide your next actions. Nothing is more annoying than staying in the same situation (that you hate) forever.

Justin

The post Working with Someone You Just Can’t Stand appeared first on Crucial Learning.

A few months ago, while I was out of town, a colleague aired his grievances against me in a meeting with our new CEO. Two others joined in. This colleague previously reported to me, then was promoted to be my peer. He has been a contentious bully ever since, badmouthing me behind my back. When I returned from my trip, I was called into a meeting with the new CEO and the three who have issues with me. I was blindsided by their allegations. I pushed back very little but have since been stewing to the point of depression. Where should I go from here?

Signed,
Slammed

Dear Slammed,

I’m sorry for the painful experience you’re going through. I hope something I offer will be helpful to you.

You used a word in your note that brings me to a full stop: depression. If that word accurately describes your emotional state, I urge you to get help. Immediately. If you are depressed, you will be limited in your ability to benefit from any tactical advice I can offer. A trained therapist can give you the emotional support you need and recommend ways of maintaining your psychological safety and rebuilding your health.

If, however, you believe you have the emotional resources to try to solve the problem, I offer the following.

I’m limited in my ability to help because I cannot judge the merits of your colleague’s assertions. I don’t know, for example, whether their behavior represents any one of the following:

• Complete fabrication: Were their allegations fabricated in a conspiracy to damage you?
• Zero communication: Did any one of them make an attempt to share their concerns directly with you?
• Some merit and some communication: Or, is there some truth to what they are alleging and they have made some attempt to communicate with you?

My experience in situations like this is that while the first and second scenarios sometimes happen, if we are humble and honest enough, we discover our situation is more like the third option. My first advice is to allow yourself to experience the hurt and shock you feel, and to take the time you need to absorb it. Then, when you are ready, do your best to examine the situation objectively—perhaps with the help of a trusted colleague with an independent viewpoint who will give you honest feedback.

Then, swallow hard and ask your CEO to reassemble the group. As difficult as it is for you, it’s important that the solution happen in the same setting where the problem occurred.

Begin the meeting as follows: “A few weeks ago you shared some feedback that surprised me. My hope today is to better understand your concerns. My goal is to work well with you, and from what you shared, it appears I’m failing. I may need some time to reflect on what you share today and decide on the best path forward, but I need to better understand what you are experiencing in order to figure that out.”

Come into the meeting like a faithful scientist with no axe to grind. You’re not there to defend yourself. You’re there to ask questions, gather evidence, and take notes. Do it dispassionately.

For example, if they previously asserted that you are incompetent at project management, begin the inquiry like this: “In our last meeting you stated that I am an incompetent project manager. Can you elaborate on that? What have I done or not done that appears incompetent to you?”

This approach is helpful both in dealing with complete fabrication and situations where there is some merit. If you do a good job staying in “scientist” mode, three things may happen:

• You’ll come to see that there is some substance to their concerns.
• If they are exaggerating their concerns, the contrast between their adjectives and real evidence will be apparent, influencing them to moderate their statements.
• Any lack of concrete evidence will be more apparent to you and your boss, and any damage to your credibility will be improved.

Sincerity is the key to all of this. Do your best to come in humble and open, and let the facts speak for themselves. Once you have deeply understood their perspective and experience, decide whether you are in a good emotional place to “add your meaning to the pool” (as we say in Crucial Conversations), or whether you would benefit from time to recover and reflect before doing so.

I wish you all the best in getting to a healthier place.

Warmly,
Joseph

The post What to Do When You’ve Been Blindsided appeared first on Crucial Learning.